Open Diary 09

I know that I haven’t written much over the past few weeks. To be honest, I haven’t really been in the mood for blogging lately. This diary post will be a long and may seem a bit random because there are a fair amount of things for me to catch up on.

Aside from last night, things have been pretty low key. A few weeks ago I learned that Brent was failing 3 classes, gym being one of them. I usually don’t freak out too much about grades, but this time I was really upset. Because Brent is in middle school and Gail is in Kindergarten with special needs, I trusted Brent to do his work with some degree of independence. However, I have now learned that he is simply choosing not to do the work that he doesn’t find interesting. For example, his online gym class only requires him to log a physical activity each day and submit it at the end of the week. There is no way for the school to know if he is actually doing the activity or not, but Brent hasn’t bothered to even make up an activity in weeks. I’m not angry with him, he is a typical teenager, but I am frustrated. Now I have asked him to start doing his work downstairs with his sister instead of up in his room. Also, I am making him check in with me every day to show me what he has done during the day. Hopefully we can bring up his grades before the end of next semester.

Brent is really into anime. Personally, I haven’t been able to understand the hype, but I have decided to give some of his favorite anime shows a try. I have started watching “My Hero Academia,” which has actually been pretty entertaining so far. I think that if I make it through all the seasons, I will rent the “My Hero Academia” movie for us to watch together. I am almost done reading “The Paper Magician” trilogy. When I am done, I plan to read the “Serafina and the Black Cloak” series, which is Brent’s favorite. However, I haven’t had any luck getting him to read any of my old favorites lol. He isn’t much of a reader. When I am done with “Serafina and the Black Cloak,” I am going to try to save up some money to take him to the Biltmore Estate in Asheville, NC. We had planned to take him once before but sadly, our financial situation wouldn’t allow is to do it.

My mom came over last weekend and we had another game night. It was nice because we got to play a lot of games that we haven’t played before. I think we played Kingsberg, Castle Panic, Family Flux, Harry Potter Clue, Ubongo, Uno Spin, and Farkle. There may have been a few more games played that night but I cant remember them.

During our game night, I decided that I would cook dinner for everyone instead of ordering food from out. Earlier in the week, I had gotten a large pork shoulder that was big enough to feed all of us, so I decided to cook that. I’m a vegetarian, but I still cook meat for my family to eat. However, cooking that pork shoulder made me want to barf. It still had the pig skin attached and the bone in it. I cooked it in the oven for a few hours and then took it out to temp check it. When I poked it with the meat thermometer, blood gushed out like I had just stabbed a live pig. I decided to cut the meat off of the bone so it would cook faster, but just as I started to cut the meat, my glass baking dish shattered into a million pieces out of nowhere! I have never had something like that happen to me before and I still have no clue what could cause a glass dish to shatter seemingly out of nowhere. It was a huge mess to clean up. Ultimately, I decided to order pizza.

Brent made a clay pot for school. My mom accidentally broke it a little. Hopefully it won’t hurt his grade.

Gail has been doing well. She lost her second tooth yesterday. I pulled it half way out but she insisted on pulling it the rest of the way by herself. Aside from that, I don’t think there is much new going on with her. I feel like I was out and about a lot last week and wanted to mention something that had happened with her…but I can’t remember what it was. Maybe it will come to me later?

A few weeks ago, we got a check in the mail from the government for homeschooling expenses during the pandemic. I decided to save most of it to pay for Christmas presents for the kids. I gave it all to my mom last weekend so she could deposit it into her account, allowing me to order from her Amazon Prime account (free shipping.) I am so glad that I did this because Ross was searching for money the other day, and God knows if there would still be anything left of it if I had kept the money in the house.

Aside from last night, Ross has actually been doing pretty well. He hasn’t been using the hard stuff. He hasn’t really had the money to. However, he has been drinking a bit and smoking. He has told me that he was depressed twice over the past week and I don’t really know how to help. I try to be there for him, but he won’t really talk about it. He is too stubborn to seek help. I don’t know what to do. I know that it is normal for addicts to be depressed when getting clean, but what can I do about it? I’m not judging him, but it’s so hard to cope with the fact that, I like him best when his is sober but this is when he seems the most unhappy within himself. I’ve been doing my best to be understanding and to be there for him…or at the very least be “with” him, but it clearly didn’t do any good. I’m going to write a bit more about this in a private post because it is still a bit too fresh to go public with everything that I’m thinking and feeling about him right now.

Personally, I have been a bit down lately. I have been feeling waves of anxiety in the evenings. I may call my doctor and ask to up my meds…even though the last bill that I got from him was $600 and I have no clue how I’m going to pay it. There is also all of this mess with Ross dragging me down, but it’s more than that. I keep trying to plan ahead for my future so I can build a better life for myself and my kids, but something always gets in the way. I want to try to finish school and get a job, but my car is broken and I can’t afford to fix it. I don’t even know what kind of job I want to get, and I am really bummed out that I am not one of those lucky people who have a talent that they love and can do as a job. I feel like I have no security in my life. I don’t know if I mentioned this already in another post, but we rent our house from my mother-in-law. Currently, Ross’ great grandmother lives with his parents in their house. Ross’ mom told me that when the great grandmother dies in the future, she wants to sell our house and have us move back in with her but I don’t want this to happen at all!!! I want my own space and I don’t want to feel like that space can be taken away from me on a whim. I have been wanting to do some home improvement things around the house to make the space feel and look better, but that all feels pointless when I don’t even get to decide how long I get to live here. Nothing is easy and everything around me feels dirty, broken, and used. I try to remain optimistic and thankful but I just feel so stuck. Everywhere I turn there is another obstacle. I feel like I have no control over my own life and I don’t know how to fix it.

Sorry for all of my ranting and venting. I appreciate those of you who took the time to read this in spite of it all.

Love Always, AnxiouslyM

2 thoughts on “Open Diary 09

  1. sundaygirl9 says:

    Wow. You have a lot going on. By chance was that glass dish Pyrex? They are notorious for shattering and I had a very similar thing happen to me when I finished off a tri-tip in the oven once. If I may, it sounds like you need some time just to yourself. You give a lot. 💕

    Like

    1. AnxiouslyM says:

      Ya know what, I think it actually was a Pyrex. That is so strange. I wonder what could cause that. Maybe they just aren’t made durable enough to handle being heated for a long time? Thank you, I appreciate that. You aren’t wrong. I have been trying to set aside time for myself each day. Hopefully that will get easier when this pandemic is over because lately, things have been way too hectic. 🤞💕

      Like

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