Open Diary 12

Aside from recovering from an upper respiratory infection, things have been going pretty well for me lately.

The kids and I decided to put up our Christmas tree and decorations. Our cat Silva loves the tree, though she doesn’t have the nerve to play with it while we are watching her. She waits until we all go to be before she has her way with it. I have woken up to ornaments on the floor for the past three days. It seems like so many people are just ready to get the holidays over with so we can move into the new year, but I am actually looking forward to Christmas. I have been trying to get into the Christmas spirit with cheesy holiday movies and cozy Christmas décor. It is nice to be able to give my kids something that they can be excited about after such a crappy year. Also, thanks to online shopping, I have been able to buy all of their gifts without ever having to leave my house. Unlike most years where Ross and I scrambled to come up with money for Christmas and ended up having to do all of our shopping last minute, this year I decided to ONLY shop for my kids using the check that we got in the mail for home schooling expenses. Surprisingly, I actually finished all of my shopping almost a month ahead of schedule. Now there is nothing left to do but enjoy the holiday season. I know that many of us won’t be able to celebrate the way that we usually do, but I think that the holidays are still salvageable. We are going to spend Christmas close to home. My mom is going to wait until the first week in January to come over for a Christmas game night. I think I’m going to leave our decorations up until then.

Brent and Gail have both been happy and have been doing well in school. Thankfully, Brent has gotten a lot better about turning in his school work and has done a lot to bring his grades up.

Ross has made a lot of improvement this past week. I don’t want to jinx it, but I think that things may be turning around for the better. He has been sober since my last post. He has also started to wean off of the methadone so he can switch over to suboxone. He feels like this will make it easier to get clean because suboxone supposedly has a blocker in it that will make it more difficult for him to get/feel high. I’m not 100% sure how it all works but I am proud of him for taking the initiative. This week with him has been so nice. We have laughed and joked around with each other more this week than we have in a while. He has been much more helpful around the house. I think he has cooked dinner twice this past week, done the dishes several times, cleaned the litter box, and helped with laundry. He even hung up a mirror that I have been nagging him about for months. I hope things continue to improve like this. I want nothing more than for him to get clean for himself, but weeks like this make me feel hopeful that we may actually be able to get back the relationship with one another that we lost and build on it to make it better than it was before. We we see how it goes.

Personally, I have been feeling crazy motivated lately….yet I still haven’t gotten up off my ass to get anything done lol. I just want to do all of the things that I have been putting off or that my anxiety has kept me from enjoying. I don’t know where to start. I am thinking of making a step by step to-do list to get things moving and sharing it here on my blog. I have been toying with the idea of trying to start eating a bit healthier and adding in a bit of physical activity to my day, but I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet.

Currently, my anxiety only usually hits me in waves during the night. However, I have heard that there are two types of anxiety; the kind that makes you want to do everything all at once and the kind that makes you want to do nothing. When I was going through my mental break down, I was definitely experiencing the kind of anxiety that made me want to do nothing. However, I think that I may now be experiencing waves of anxiety due to my newfound motivation. I will sit and think about everything that I need and want to do. It feels good at first, like I can take on the world. However, the more I think about it the more anxious I get. I want/need to do it all and don’t know where to start. It all feels like an emergency, even the little things that I want to do just for fun. In the end, I become so overwhelmed that I don’t do anything. I have got to find my way around this. Have any of you experienced this before? Do you have any advice for me about how to overcome this? If I can get the ball rolling, I may actually be able to get back out into the “real” world and out of the stay at home bubble that I have made for myself. Here’s to hoping.

Love Always, AnxiouslyM

2 thoughts on “Open Diary 12

  1. Y. Lespar says:

    One thing that really helped me to manage my aspirations and associated anxieties was to write them down as a list, which I keep on my phone for ease of access. For whatever reason, seeing them listed in this way gave them a more concrete place in my life and later allowed me to organize my week in such a way that I could explore most of these pursuits without getting overwhelmed. Hope this helps a bit. Best wishes.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. AnxiouslyM says:

      Thank you, this does help a lot. I appreciate the advice. Since reading your comment, I have taken the past week to write out a to-do-list. I usually write my lists on paper but I decided to make this one in Google docs so I can have access to it from my phone. This has really helped me to feel motivated to move forward. I have also noticed that it has made tasks seem more manageable and less anxiety inducing. I hope to start checking things off my list in the coming weeks. Thank you again for the advice!! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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