Open Diary 13

This past week has been good. I actually got to get out on my own for a bit on Friday. I drove to my cousin’s house and we spent the afternoon catching up. I was a bit scared of driving at first but I actually did really well. Thankfully, it was sunny so the weather wasn’t a factor. I made sure of that. It was nice getting to hang out with Lindsay for a while just me and her. She is planning on buying a house next year with her husband so she has been giving me a bunch of her old stuff. She sent me home with a deep fryer, some kitchen gadgets, some books, some toys for Gail, and I came back the next day with my mother-in-law to pick up a chair. Old to her, new to me.

Getting all of Lindsay’s hand-me-downs actually inspired to get my house in order. I was even able to get Ross to move my treadmill and his large speakers out to the shed over the weekend, a task that I have been asking him to do for a long time. I am really happy with the way things are looking now. It isn’t perfect, but the new stuff and furniture rearrangements have really spruced things up. Gail and I even made a painting to hang in the living room to cover up an old hole in the wall that we haven’t had the materials to fix yet. I’m trying to take my mom’s advice. She told me that even though things aren’t exactly the way that I want them to be, I can still do my best to make them the best that they CAN be right now. Instead of wallowing in all of the things that are wrong, I am trying to make a bad situation just a little bit better, and in doing so, maybe it will take me one step closer to the life that I want to build.

I have really had to meditate on this advice over the past few days because when my mother-in-law drove me over to Lindsay’s house to pick up the chair and to go to the store to finish Christmas shopping, she started in again on how she wanted to sell our house and have us move in with her when Ross’ great grandmother dies. I understand where she is coming from, but every time I think about it it sends me into a depression. Living with her again would be like taking 20 major steps backwards when I want to move forwards. I want MORE independence, not LESS. I genuinely do understand her motivations in wanting this, but it isn’t going to happen. I haven’t told her that yet…but I just can’t do it. I don’t know if I already went into this in a previous post, but I would have to trash half of our stuff just to fit us all into her house. I’m not going to do it. I hate not knowing how long I have to come up with another option. At least I know it will be at least a year plus. Hopefully that will be enough time for me to work out a plan.

My mother-in-law also expressed her concerns about not being able to leave her house to us when she dies because she does not want to upset her other children. We don’t even want her house! It’s funny and frustrating to me how she keeps trying to make plans for our lives without even asking us what we want or how we feel. I appreciate everything that she has done and still does for us, but I think that if she actually asked us for our opinion every once in a while, she would realize that she does not need to worry about us as much as she thinks she does. It’s like I told her, eventually we are going to be self sufficient, I don’t want to live under her forever and I certainly don’t want her having to worry about what she is going to do with us so she can make sure that we are safe after she dies. I appreciate her love and concern but NOT her tendency to try to manage and control everything and everyone. Ross and I are adults, we are going to be fine. One way or another, we are going to land on our feet…even if it takes us a little while.

Following the advice of one of my mutual readers, I have decided to get back into list making to put my tasks into perspective and to help them to become more manageable. So far, I think it has been a success. Though I still haven’t gotten the ball rolling on anything yet, at least I am moving in the right direction. I’ve got a rough plan worked out now and with my anxiety under control, I am regaining the motivation that I had before to actually get out there and get things done.

Ending on a slightly darker note, is it just me, or do other people struggle with the fear of mortality every time they try to plan for their future or engage in simple pleasures. Though I definitely don’t want to die, I never really thought that I was afraid of death. However, every time I try to make plans for my future or do simple things like rearrange my living room, I find myself fighting off the same compulsive questions. Why does any of this matter if we are all going to die anyway? How much life do you even have left? If it isn’t permanent, is it even worth it? I could go on and on but I’ll stop there lol. I push through these thoughts most of the time but they usually always make me depressed and often keep me from doing things that I really wanted to do before the questions set in. What is with this? I don’t get it. I guess for now I will blame it on my taurean nature, a strong aversion to change and wanting to “possess” things forever in a world/life where nothing/no one ever really belongs to us. Oh well, I suppose there is little that I can do about that right now…

Love Always, AnxiouslyM

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