Open Diary 14

I hope that all of you had a great Christmas and happy holidays!

Thankfully, our Christmas went pretty well for me and mine in spite of the negative things they came in to try to ruin it. The weeks leading up to Christmas were pretty low key but were at the same time packed with a lot of notable things. The kids and I finished up online learning and got ready for Christmas break. We are now prepared to send both kids back to school for in person instruction after the holidays. Gail will be going full time and Brent will be going part time. Brent is a bit indifferent to the decision but Gail is clearly excited about it. She has been walking around the house wearing her bookbag for the better part of the day telling me that she is ready to go to school. As much as I will miss them both, I am looking forward to getting more time to myself so I can work on getting my life back in order. I plan to return to jewelry making, start saving money to fix my car, finish my associates degree, and eventually go back to work.

I have been feeling really good these days. The anxiety comes in and goes out but it doesn’t linger. I’m getting better about working through it instead of giving into it. I think that I may finally be able to get back on track now, though I know it is going to take some time.

In the weeks leading up to Christmas, My mom has ordered me a planner to help me out with my list making and what not. I cant wait for it to come in. My best friend sent me a cute silver cuff bracelet and a bottle of anxiety relief essential oils. I have used the oil a few times and I really like it! This, along with some hand-me-down items from my cousin Lindsay and my friend Tiff, have made me feel like I really racked up this Christmas.

When my friend Tiff came by to drop off the things she had brought for me, I decided to purge some of my old tarot decks. I don’t read tarot professionally anymore so there really is no sense in me having so many decks laying around that I don’t use. She gave me a bunch of clothes and a huge bag of costume jewelry for me to use in my jewelry making. It was nice catching up with her, even if she and I are often a bit hit and miss when it comes to conversation.

Lastly, I made Ross help me finish painting Brent’s room black so it would look nice with all of his new anime posters (Christmas gifts) on display. It went so much faster with his help, but of course he complained about it most of the time. When taking Brent’s t.v. off of the wall, Ross accidentally dropped it, chipping off a big chunk of the t.v.’s plastic frame. In the end, we got the job done. I just wish that Ross had had a better attitude about it.

Maybe it is because of Covid and the fact that several of our Christmas parties had been canceled, but I really wanted to get into the Christmas spirit this year. I think I watched more Christmas movies this year than I have in my entire life. When Christmas Eve rolled around, the kids and I baked Christmas cookies together and watched Christmas movies. Sadly, Gail wasn’t too interested in the movies. Brent and I watched “A Christmas Carol” and “Anna and the Apocalypses.” We also played a few rounds of Farkle Party which was really fun. Ross went out and got us all Taco Bell. At the end of the evening, I started getting really bad stomach pains again. It has been a while since that has happened to me. I don’t know how, but I kinda had a feeling that it was going to happen on the night when I still had to stay up late and wrap Christmas presents. Ross went out and got me some Pepto just incase I was having indigestion. I drank 60ml of it (a large dose) but didn’t really feel any improvement. Ultimately, Ross went to his moms house to get her Christmas present to me early, a vibrating heating pad. I used it on my stomach for an hour or so and it seemed to help a lot. Thankfully I was able to get the presents wrapped and the stockings filled before the morning.

The kids both really enjoyed their gifts. Brent got a lot of anime stuff to display in his room. Gail got a lot of character toy sets, though she has hardly touched any of her toys aside from her new Super Wings set. That evening, we all walked over to my mother-in-law’s house for a small family Christmas gathering. Honestly, there isn’t really much to say about it. We were all a bit bored. Gail liked the gifts that she got there but Brent wasn’t too happy. His grandma got him two comic book style Bibles while she gave the other two boys in the family money. I guess I understand a teen being disappointed about receiving a Bible as a gift. However, I was a bit concerned when he told me that he didn’t care about religion or spirituality at all and that he had his own beliefs but he didn’t want to talk about them or read about them at all. I guess that is normal for a boy his age, but I told him that I would rather him believe in anything than for him to believe in nothing. It isn’t my place to decide what he believes, but as his mother, I just hope that he comes to something on his own one day.

My mom and maybe even my brother Wayne and my cousin Lindsay will be coming over on January 4th for a Christmas game day/night. I have decided to leave up my decorations until then…even though the neurotic in me is itching to take them down and reorganize the house.

Now onto Ross…I feel like I always have so much to say about him, but to be fair, he is a pretty big influence in my life. I truly wanted to be able to deliver some good news about him. He had been doing really well during the weeks leading up to Christmas. I could tell that he wasn’t using. Once again, he was being more helpful and things seem to be on the right track but then it all fell apart…AGAIN. First, he sold some car speakers online for about $200. When he came home with the money, he chose to give me $100 without me even asking for it. However, he kept the second $100 for himself and things started getting sketchy after that. I could tell that he had been on an upper because he stopped sleeping. When I asked him about it, he of course said that he wasn’t on anything but I knew that he was. I went down into the basement (I keep it locked so the kids can’t go down there) and found a small amount of meth. When I confronted him about it, he said that he hadn’t used any of it. I told him to get rid of it and he said that he would. I honestly think he never got rid of it. He probably just found a better hiding place. I asked to use his phone and saw that he still has his bank statement pulled up. I saw that he had $500 in his account that he never told me about. I confronted him and he told me that the money was going to his mom for bills and that she already knew it was in his account. I decided to check with her and she said that she didn’t know anything about it. I confronted him again and he said that he only told me that because I had asked him in front of his friend who had just asked to borrow money. He said that the money was still in his account. A few days later, I asked him if he would buy me this cool vintage bank from Etsy. He said no at first, but I told him that I knew that he had been spending the money because Amazon packages had been coming for him to the house and that it wasn’t fair for him to keep it all to himself. He finally agreed and ordered the bank. HOWEVER, the next day, he comes to me and tells me that his account is overdrawn and he needs me to loan him $60 from the money that he gave me. I asked what he needed the money for and he said that he wanted to drink. I told him that he didn’t need that much money and he got mad. Eventually, I gave in but told him I wanted the money back on Monday and that if he got high with it then I would leave. He said okay, took the money, and left.

When he gets home, I see him get out of the car empty handed and walk down to his mom’s house. He comes back with a bottle of wine that had been on the table at her house for us all to drink during Christmas dinner the night before. When I asked him about it, he tries to pass it off as the alcohol he bought with my money. I confirmed that he went to his mom’s house to get the wine with his mom and then decided to confront him about it again. Finally he tells me that he didn’t buy alcohol and that he still had change but didn’t want me to take the change from him. He totally missed the point, thinking that all I cared about was the money instead of understanding that it wasn’t the money I cared about, it was about what he was doing with the money. I never got any proof that he had bought drugs, but I could see in his behavior that he was acting high. He told me that he was just sleepy, and I’m sure that he was, but it was more than that. I know how to tell when he is and isn’t on something. That night, he got a nose bleed and gashed his foot on something random in the garage. He has been hacking and coughing all day today just like he always does after he uses. He has been sleeping most of the day today after almost a week of hardly sleeping at all. He thinks I am stupid, I’m honestly insulted at how much he has kept from me and all of the lies he has tried to tell me over the past few days to cover his tracks. I’m pissed off that he knows he is a poor as dirt addict yet he still tried to make me out to be a money hungry wife for asking for my equal share and mutual control of the finances.

I want an end date. When will this be over? I am so sick of the up and down, up and down. How many more times will we have to go through the same shit. It just dawned on me today that it has been almost a year since we have had sex. This is bull shit. What kind of relationship can we even have going on like this? My mom told me that when I have tried everything that I could try and have gotten to the end of my ropes, it will feel like a light switch flicking off and I will simply be done with it all. I won’t feel it like I did before. It won’t be able to hurt me the same way any more. I feel like I am approaching that point. I am going to keep moving forward. Hopefully he can get his shit together before I have to leave him behind.

Love Always, AnxiouslyM

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