Open Diary 16

I suppose that I’m ready to write through my Ross drama now. I have been putting it off but I know that I don’t need to let it sit inside me any longer than it already has. I need to get it out.

Last week Ross had another heroine relapse. He didn’t sleep for the better part of 5 days. I don’t know how a person can physically stay awake that long but some how he did. He was down in the garage for almost all of that time away from me and the kids. We were all safe. Over those 5 days he woke me up almost every night making weird noises, banging himself against things, and talking to himself. By the 5th day he was hallucinating and having conversations with people that weren’t really there. I told him that I couldn’t do it any more, but in his stupor he gave me no engagement or acknowledgement of what I had said. I wasn’t surprised. I wasn’t even all that angry about it. To be honest, I was just so done. It was like a switch just turned off inside of me and I couldn’t feel anything anymore.

If I would have had the money, security, and transportation to leave then I would have been gone by the 4th day. I would have left and I don’t think that I would have even cared that much about how it would have hurt him. After all, he has already hurt me and our children with this shit enough to last a lifetime. Wanting to leave him made me realize just how stuck I really am. After brainstorming ways that I could get a car and money to leave, I realized that I really am stranded here until my car is back on the road so I can get a job. I just felt so helpless and defeated…but maybe everything happens the way it does for a reason. Even though I am stuck here for now, it is forcing me to allow him a larger window to turn things around. Also, even though I’m not able to leave right now, just coming to the point where I knew for the first time that I WOULD leave made me feel powerful. Like once I get my transportation and finances in order, I no longer have to put up with this if I don’t want to. If he won’t change, I can change for myself and my kids…knowing this is somehow a comfort.

I communicated with his mom a lot during his relapse. She was angry with him obviously. She told me that she didn’t want me to leave him because he is her son, but if I was her daughter there was no way that she would be okay with me dealing with him and shit. This acknowledgement and support made me feel like I wasn’t a terrible person for losing my patience trying to see my addict husband through his addiction and into sobriety. Together we decided that the program that he was using wasn’t working and that he needed to try something new. We thankfully got him into a suboxone out patient clinic that offers therapy and was able to get a prescription sent in for him that day. However, I was super annoyed and resentful that his mom and I had to do all of the paperwork and phone calls for him because he was in no state to do any of it himself. It’s so hard not to be resentful of him. I know he is sick, but he does nothing to help himself. He hasn’t taking the initiative to do anything on his own and is still adamantly against in patent treatment and NA. I wonder if he even wants to get sober, or if he is just playing along because he got caught and doesn’t want me to leave.

For the past 3 days, Ross has been in bed detoxing. He seems to be doing this by his own choice which is reassuring. He also seems to be on board with the new program. However, things between he and I are really weird right now. He may not be thinking about this at all, but we haven’t kissed or said I love you in almost a week. At first, I resisted getting close to him because I was so angry and fed up. However, now I am a bit weirded out that he hasn’t tried to bridge the gap between us. I know he is detoxing and is sick…it’s just a bit strange to me. I don’t really know where we stand right now. I feel like maybe I need to stop rushing everything. I need to just focus on getting MY life in order while he focuses on his sobriety. If by the time I am stable enough to live on my own he hasn’t made MAJOR improvements, I can decide at that point if it is time for me to go. Right now, I know he is in no state to work on getting sober AND work on fixing our marriage at the same time. That’s just not going to happen. So if he HAS made the improvements that I need to see with his sobriety by the time I am financially able to be on my own, I can have a talk with him about going to therapy with me to decide if we can salvage and repair the marriage…if there is anything left of it.

I guess that right now our marriage and my feelings are going to have to take a back seat to his sobriety, however long that takes. I wish it wasn’t that way, but it is. All I can do now is hope that he makes the right choices and that by the time he is sober enough to work on our marriage with me, that I will still be here and that there will still be a marriage to save. Honestly, that’s kind of all on him at this point. I am always going to love him. We have kids together and after 15 years together, he is my family now. However, I know now that I have nothing to do with his decision to get sober or to crash and burn. Even though it will hurt, I will be okay if I have to walk away from this in the end. It’s him I’m worried about, but as an adult, he is the only one who can turn his life around. All the support in the world can’t make him change, he has to do that on his own.

In other news, I have a lot going on in the coming weeks. I am going to be setting up my etsy account for my jewelry soon. When it is up and ready I will share the link here for you guys. Brent’s girlfriend’s birthday is coming up so he will have an excuse to get out of the house for a bit. My best friend is coming over tomorrow and I have another family game day set up for next Sunday. I even have a hiking date with my old friend Jenna at the end of the month. I am starting to feel like I have beaten my agoraphobia. I’m not really afraid to leave the house any more, which is amazing. However, I am still really afraid of driving. I worry that one more bad driving experience will send me back into isolation. The only way to push past it is to do it, but I’m scared. I think my anxiety is in a good place right now. As I said, I still have some phobias but most days I get by. This may sound weird, but some days I can feel the anxiety bubbling up just beneath the medication It’s as if somehow I know that if I was to remove that blanket, it would all come rushing back like before. It makes me more thankful than ever for my medication and more scared than ever to stop taking it. That isn’t even an option for me right now.

On the financial front, I think that I am going to go to a clinic next week so I can start donating plasma. They pay $100 for your first 2 visits, and $50 for every visit after that. They even give you a cash bonus if you make referrals for them. I’m not good with having blood drawn, but I am going to try it anyway. Additionally, I am thinking about trying out my local flea market to sell my jewelry on the weekends. It costs $25 a day OR $50 for the whole weekend to rent a booth. I think I may pick one day on a weekend soon and see if I make enough money to make it worth going back. I have started offering email/messenger tarot readings again but so far haven’t gotten any clients. Jenna used to be my best client back in the day, though she often wanted me to read for her for free or discounted rates. Sometimes she would have me read for her for over an hour and expect the rate to be the same that I charged for a 15 minute reading. She wants to do a phone reading with me soon, I don’t enjoy phone readings but she said she prefers them so I guess that’s what we’re doing. I hope history doesn’t repeat it’s self, especially since I have decided to charge $20 for my readings with an option for donations. I thought that this price point would help me to get more clients but I hope that it doesn’t leave me taken advantage of…we will see.

Before I end this diary entry, I want to mention that Gail has started to have behavioral issues at school already. We knew it was going to happen, or at least I knew it was going to happen. Her teacher is doing the best that she can but I can tell she is exhausted. I worry about Gail being happy when her teacher is clearly getting frustrated. Gail was already using a weighted vest but when I picked her up from school the other day, I saw that her teacher is now trying out noise canceling headphones. Her teacher also made an appointment with a team of autism specialist to come out and observe her in class. Their job is to evaluate her behavior and then offer tips and tools that they think may help her. I have been firmly against ABA therapy because I worry that it may teach her that her autistic traits are unacceptable and that it may teach her to repress her stimming behaviors that comfort her, but I may make some calls if this meeting doesn’t work to see if there are any programs that she can go to outside of school that may help to reinforce the things she is learning, like how to focus on her work and transition easier between activities. According to her teacher, Gail has the most trouble when transitioning between classes and activities. She has melt downs when she does not want to stop doing one thing and move onto another, which seems to be pretty often. Hopefully this team of specialists will be able to help.

Love Always, AnxiouslyM

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