Open Diary 17

Wow, it’s been a really long time. Truth be told, I just haven’t been in the mood for writing/blogging even though I do miss it a lot. It is a task that requires time and mental energy that I simply haven’t had in excess lately. Life has been tough these past few months. On the surface, nothing seems to have changed. I’m still unemployed and spend most of my time at home. My kids are still in school and we still have game nights with my mom every other weekend. I’m still stuck with no money or transportation. My husband is still an addict. He is still struggling. My anxiety has been stable aside from the occasional spike. It’s hard to explain, though nothing in my life has changed and though I have been really going through it lately, I feel a shift starting to happen under the surface. It feels like my life is building up to a pivotal make it or break it moment.

Ross is no longer in the methadone treatment program. Instead, we decided to transfer him to a Suboxone program. This program seemed to work well for a few weeks, but then he reverted back to using meth. He hasn’t been using heroine because the blockers in the Suboxone wouldn’t allow him to feel the “high,” but he has definitely gone back to using meth. When he uses it will cause him to stay up for days at a time. It makes him act so strange. I have never seen anything like it. All through the night he moans, and grunts, and cusses. Sometimes he even hurts himself and he NEVER remembers what he happens during these times. I try to tell him but he can’t see himself and does not understand how things look from the outside. His mom and I even called the police on him one night because he was acting so strange. His screaming keeps me up at night and I can’t sleep. It triggers my anxiety, having to listen to him all throughout the night. Thank God my kids are both heavy sleepers. Last week, I was devastated to find that he has stolen $140 from my bank that I had been trying to save. He denied taking it. Thankfully, I took the money back and then some from our tax check, but it does not change the fact that he stole from me to buy his drugs. I didn’t think he could hurt me anymore but he found a way. I swear, something in me died that day. I can’t describe it.

I have been looking into housing options just incase I decide to leave. Change is on the horizon. My transmission will arrive tomorrow and as soon as my car is fixed, I will be able to finish my associates degree and get a job. I will finally be able to start taking care of myself and my kids. With all of this swiftly approaching, I am now realizing that if this pattern of behavior does not change, I will be ready and willing to walk away if I have to. Things are starting to fee different even though on the surface, it is all just as shitty as it as always been. There may be hope.

In other news, I am sick as a dog. Gail brought home a bad head cold and I seem to have caught it from her. I can usually handle being sick pretty well, but for some reason this particular sickness has my anxiety turned way the hell up. I just want to go to sleep but I can’t right now. I am realizing that I have major control issues pertaining to my mind and physical body. This sickness is taking me out of my normal head space and I HATE it. I don’t feel like I am firing on all cylinders and it scares me. I just want someone to come help me by taking over my responsibilities for just a little while so I can allow myself a little time to fall apart and to focus on taking care of myself. I’m really hoping that this bug does not last too much longer. I desperately want to get back to my normal self so I can move forward.

Lastly, my 31 year old ass has discovered tiktok. I always swore that I would never join but it is actually pretty cool. Facebook and Instagram have gotten pretty boring lately so I’m happy to have found another social media site to waste my time on. I hardly know anyone who uses tiktok and I doubt that I will ever make any videos of my own, but I like watching everyone else’s stuff. I have especially enjoyed the “witch tok” videos.

I’m signing off because I feel like death, but I hope to make time to write and to engage with you all again soon.

Love Always, AnxiouslyM

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