Shadow Work Session 8: The Devil

Continuing my work with The Devil (card lol)…

I am finding this week that it is a lot harder than I had originally thought it would be to pinpoint the things that I allow to control my life. It has been even harder trying to trace these toxic influences/patterns back to a source or to a specific moment in time. I was thankful to discover yesterday that a lot of my self-doubt and drive to seek constant validation from others stems from my mother and her attempts to shield me from rejection when I was growing up. To this day, I have never grown out of those habits. I have allowed those habits to hold me back from a lot of things that I wanted to do but didn’t, because I felt that I would either fail or that no one else would be happy about what I was doing. Additionally, my mother has not grown out of her tendency to discourage my enthusiasm. When I get an idea in my head, she is still the first person that I call to talk things out with. I always call her hoping that she will share in my excitement. However, our calls usually end with me feeling like my idea was stupid, or that I allowed myself to get too excited before I was even prepared to move forward. I know that she has always tried to protect me, but I don’t want to hold myself back any more out of fear. I also no longer want to feel that I shouldn’t do something that I am excited about just because no one else seems to be as enthused about it as I am.

I think that to push myself through this, I am going to try to do at least one thing a week that either scares me or makes me feel the urge to seek validation before moving forward. I will keep a log in my journal to keep track of when these feelings come up so I can try to see if a pattern emerges.

After meditating on my shadow work card for the week, I was inspired to make a list of all of my toxic traits and habits that I allow to control my life…the ones I am aware of at least. I plan to use this list to work backwards so I can try to make sense of what comes up so I can heal.

  1. Fear of rejection and failure.
  2. Need for validation.
  3. Fear of confrontation and fighting.
  4. Food and lack of physical motivation.
  5. Fear of speaking my truth because I do not want to make anyone dislike me, to initiate tense confrontation, or to hurt someone’s feelings.
  6. Allowing grudges, resentment, and past experience to influence and stunt my future relationships and experiences.
  7. Financial struggles.

These are the main things that came to my mind. I am going to conclude my shadow work for now so I can spend some time today thinking about these toxic patterns in my life. If anything else comes up throughout the day, I will add it to the list. Tomorrow I will resume by working to trace each of these patterns back to it’s source.

These shadow work posts are truly for my own self discovery and development, but I appreciate those of you who took the time to read this. I plan to continue my work with The Devil (card) throughout the week OR until I feel that it is time for me to move onto another card/shadow aspect.

Love Always, AnxiouslyM

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