Continuing my work with The Devil (card lol)…
I am finding this week that it is a lot harder than I had originally thought it would be to pinpoint the things that I allow to control my life. It has been even harder trying to trace these toxic influences/patterns back to a source or to a specific moment in time. I was thankful to discover yesterday that a lot of my self-doubt and drive to seek constant validation from others stems from my mother and her attempts to shield me from rejection when I was growing up. To this day, I have never grown out of those habits. I have allowed those habits to hold me back from a lot of things that I wanted to do but didn’t, because I felt that I would either fail or that no one else would be happy about what I was doing. Additionally, my mother has not grown out of her tendency to discourage my enthusiasm. When I get an idea in my head, she is still the first person that I call to talk things out with. I always call her hoping that she will share in my excitement. However, our calls usually end with me feeling like my idea was stupid, or that I allowed myself to get too excited before I was even prepared to move forward. I know that she has always tried to protect me, but I don’t want to hold myself back any more out of fear. I also no longer want to feel that I shouldn’t do something that I am excited about just because no one else seems to be as enthused about it as I am.
I think that to push myself through this, I am going to try to do at least one thing a week that either scares me or makes me feel the urge to seek validation before moving forward. I will keep a log in my journal to keep track of when these feelings come up so I can try to see if a pattern emerges.
After meditating on my shadow work card for the week, I was inspired to make a list of all of my toxic traits and habits that I allow to control my life…the ones I am aware of at least. I plan to use this list to work backwards so I can try to make sense of what comes up so I can heal.
- Fear of rejection and failure.
- Need for validation.
- Fear of confrontation and fighting.
- Food and lack of physical motivation.
- Fear of speaking my truth because I do not want to make anyone dislike me, to initiate tense confrontation, or to hurt someone’s feelings.
- Allowing grudges, resentment, and past experience to influence and stunt my future relationships and experiences.
- Financial struggles.
These are the main things that came to my mind. I am going to conclude my shadow work for now so I can spend some time today thinking about these toxic patterns in my life. If anything else comes up throughout the day, I will add it to the list. Tomorrow I will resume by working to trace each of these patterns back to it’s source.
These shadow work posts are truly for my own self discovery and development, but I appreciate those of you who took the time to read this. I plan to continue my work with The Devil (card) throughout the week OR until I feel that it is time for me to move onto another card/shadow aspect.
Love Always, AnxiouslyM