Open Diary 19

It has been a while since I have written a life update post. To be honest, some things are starting to work out in my favor and I haven’t wanted to jinx anything by going public with it lol.

This biggest thing going on in my life right now is my car is now fixed, road legal, and ready to drive. Ross really pulled it together for me over the past few weeks. He put a lot of work in to get me back on the road. I am so happy. It almost doesn’t feel real yet. I had all of these things that I planned to do when my car was working again, but now that it is I’m finding that I don’t really know what to do with myself. Maybe the reality of it just hasn’t set in yet. I think a part of me is still waiting for something else to go wrong because that is how things usually go for me. Ross said that the car still has a miss fire coming from somewhere, but he does not seem that alarmed. I really want him to figure that out soon because I don’t think that I will be able to stop worrying until I know that something else isn’t going to go catastrophically wrong with it.

Now that my car is working, I am thinking about getting started on my list of goals by getting a part time job. With all of the saving and spending that I have been doing lately, I am getting the itch to have a consistent flow of pocket money. However, I have also gotten really used to my routine and am hesitant to give it up. Every morning I wake up, get the kids off to school, shower/wash my face, eat breakfast, spend an hour doing shadow work and reading my Bible, and then I engage in my quiet solo hobbies, like reading and blogging, until it is time to go get Gail from school. If I get a job, I will have to give all of that solo and self development time up. I’m really scared to do that because honestly, it has really turned my life around and is helping me to become a better person. I don’t know what to do.

How do you people who are parents and full time (even part time) employees make time for yourself?? Especially those of you who are dedicated to a spiritual path/craft as I am, and are trying to take steps towards self development and personal fulfilment. HOW DO YOU DO IT? I need to know. I don’t want to be miserable with no time for myself, having to dedicate all of my time to either my family or my job. However, I also know that I need to get it together. I need this to pull myself out of poverty, to work towards home ownership, and to get to where I want to be in life. Someone help a girl out.

In other news, I have been doing a really good job with saving money. I have a modest, yet consistent nest egg saved and I plan to add more to it when I get a job. The money that I have allowed myself to spend has given me the opportunity to get involved in some new hobbies and expand my mind. One of the things that I plan to take up is gardening. I have no idea if I will be good at it, but it is something that I have been wanting to try for several years now. However, I have always held myself back because I didn’t want to waste the money just for me to turn out to be a bad gardener. However, my shadow work last week encouraged me to stop overthinking things and to just go for it, to give myself the chance to learn and to have fun, to let myself be bad at something so maybe one day I can get good at it…so that is exactly what I am doing. I plan to work on my raised garden bed over the next few days while researching when, where, and how to plant everything. I am planting from seed so hopefully they will take. I will update on the progress.

Another thing that I have really been getting into is foraging and herbalism, though I have been to scared to try any of the plants that I have found so far. I don’t want to die from eating something that I misidentified lol. In addition to this, my gardening, and my shadow work I have been doing a lot of research on Appalachian witchcraft and conjure. My ancestors definitely have roots in this, so I thought that I would do some exploring. I find it all really interesting and I think that I may try to in corporate some of it into my current practice.

My kids are doing really well. Brent has done a complete 180 since going back to in person learning. Last semester he made honor roll and this semester he made only one C, with two of his class grades being almost 100%. He is really excited to start high school next year and is already picking out his classes. He may even decide to take an honors math or science. We even had some conversations about potential college options. He and I have been spending more time together and I feel like our relationship is improving. We have been having some honest heart to heart talks and I have been trying to teach him how to cook.

Gail has been doing well too, though things have been a bit more unpredictable with her. She is starting to become more defiant and obstinate. I have a hard time getting her to do what I ask her to do and when I try to discipline her she has a melt down. She has been regressing a bit with potty training. Over the past month we have had some issues with bed wetting and with her using the bathroom in her pants because she does not want to stop playing long enough to go to the bathroom. Aside from this, she is doing great.

Ross has been doing…better…I think. He has been having a hard time sleeping because he can’t breath. However, I don’t think he has been using, or at least he seems sober. I’m not 100% convinced that he hasn’t been using, but he has certainly been acting sober. I can usually tell because he usually isn’t in a good mood when he is sober. Also, even though he has been awake during the night, he hasn’t been screaming and moaning like he does when he is on something. I think this might be a good sign…I hope. Because he has been home more than usual, I have found myself lashing out at him. It is like I am annoyed that he is in my space. After all, I have gotten used to having everything to my self, but now he is actually trying to help out around the house and spend time in the living room. I had to check myself. I apologized and I’m trying to do better. I want him to get better and I want him around. It is going to be an adjustment for us both.

As far as new happenings in my life, I think this is about it. I will update again soon.

Love Always, AnxiouslyM

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