Shadow Work Session 17: 5 Of Wands

Today I am going to be evaluating the fairness and balance of my relationships.

Brent and Gail – Some may disagree, but I don’t expect my relationship with my kids to be “balanced.” They are children. I brought them into the world, so I believe that it is my job to give more to those relationships than they do. However, the more I think about it, they do give and contribute to our relationship without knowing it. It isn’t like I a am raising them and getting no kind of joy or fulfilment from it. I love them both dearly and they contribute to my happiness exponentially. I want to spend more quality time with them, especially Brent. I feel that this could be an area of my relationship with him where I could stand to put forth a bit more effort. I could also stand to be more active in play with Gail as well. She likes to play by herself so I let her, but I know that I should make an effort to engage her more. My kids are amazing. There are a few areas that I could give more, but overall I am happy with the “balance” we have.

Ross – This one is a tough one to assess. Because of his addiction issues, I feel like there are times when I carry more of the load than he does. I inarguably do more around the house and with the children…this applies even when he is sober. However, when he is sober, he does try to help out when I ask him to. When he does help out, everything has to be done on his time…I don’t have that luxury. He gets mad when I nag or rush him to get something done. When it comes to spending time together, neither of us put in the effort. We just don’t like the same things. I like quiet in the house activities or hiking, and he likes, I don’t really know what he likes. He likes to tinker with things and hang out with his friends, but otherwise he doesn’t really have any hobbies. Up to now, I haven’t thought that the dynamics have been fair at all. I don’t know if he sees things the same way though. I think he still sees us as separate instead of understanding the depth of partnership and union required to make a marriage work. However, if I am being honest, there are a lot of things I hold back from sharing with him because I am scared of him bleeding me dry and giving nothing back. I just don’t trust him with a lot of things right now, epically money. We both love each other, this isn’t the problem, the problem is his addiction issues, my resentment of it, not spending time together (which is my love language), and our give and take balance. I also feel that we have a BIG imbalance in our communication. I feel like doesn’t listen to me when I talk and that he only takes in about half of what I say. I don’t feel that he is a very honest communicator, and would rather sit and stew than to have an honest conversation about his thoughts and feelings. This is NOT a man thing, it is a trauma thing and I really wish that he would recognize it as such and work through it. How to make this better? Eventually I want us to go to marriage counseling, but in the mean time I suppose I could put forth more effort to spend time together and share my thoughts and feelings. How are imbalances fixed if it seems that the other person is taking more and is more resistant to change? I can’t control what he does, so how can I fix it. I guess I will have to let him know that it needs fixing and then see if he takes initiative to work with me. I also have to be willing to address what he may say, as I am sure he has his own perspective of our relationship dynamics. I really think therapy with a professional would be good to help us to correct our relationship dynamics.

Ross’s Mom and dad – Ross’s dad doesn’t really want an emotional relationship with us, he isn’t the type, but it is HIS money that keeps us afloat when we struggle financially. I know he resents that. He has always looked down on Ross, and I feel that he looks down on me too as an extension of his son. The imbalance in this relationship is 100% about money. His wife uses his/their money to pay our bills and to keep us in our home when we cant afford it ourselves. I suspect that he thinks we take advantage of them both without understanding our imitations or the fact that Ross and I have two different perspectives about the situation. As I have talked about finances in the past, I know that to fix this, I need to finish my degree, get a job, and work on becoming more self sufficient. I have already talked to Ross’s mom and told her that when I finally am able to contribute, anything that they choose to loan Ross outside of our bills will have nothing to do with me. Hopefully as I work towards self sufficiency my father-in-law’s attitude towards me will soften a bit. As for my mother-in-law, she is a very giving person. I don’t know if I can ever give as much as she does, but I think that maybe becoming self sufficient to the point that I don’t need her help financially would balance our relationship dynamics out a bit more than they are now. One thing that I can’t stand about her is that she meddles…a lot. Her need to help and to give makes her poke her nose in where it does not belong on the regular, and causes her to be very nosey and judgmental towards how other people live their lives. I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t get into her business like this, so I wish that she didn’t feel that the fact that she helps us out financially gives her a free pass to snoop in parts of our lives that we don’t want her snooping in. I respect her privacy, I wish she would respect mine. Either way, I definitely feel that I take more from this relationship than I give. It keeps boiling down to the same thing, and will continue to do so for the rest of this post, I need to get to a place where I am able to take care of myself financially.

My mom – No one can ever pay their mother back for raising them, so I am only assessing our relationship dynamics as they are now. My mother and I have a fair balance as it pertains to communication and spending time together. We both put forward effort to connect. This makes me happy, because I didn’t always care to spend time with her because I felt that she was very judgmental and disapproving of me in a silent passive way. My mother definitely goes out of her way more for me than I do for her. This all circles back to money and transportation again. My mom makes okay money, so she is always willing to help me out and pay my way when she can. Also, while I was without a car, she would always be the one to use her car and gas to come see me and the kids and take us out places. AGAIN I need to get to a place where I can take care of myself financially so I can start doing some nice things for her. Emotionally, I feel that our relationship is mostly balanced, though I have always struggled with feeling that she does not feel emotions as deeply as I do (she is an Aquarius.) The way she processes emotions is just a bit strange to me. However, I wouldn’t say that there is an imbalance. She loves me and I know that, even if she isn’t as vocal about it as I am. However, I wish that she supported me more as I do her with enthusiasm and attentiveness when it comes to new passions, ideas, and interests. Lastly, my mother is super thoughtful. She is always doing nice things for people “just because.” I wish I was more like that, and I wish I was more like that towards her. I am adult now, so I should be at a place where I think to do nice things for her every now and then.

Angel – Angel and I are really similar in the low effort that we put into our friendships. It is something that I really appreciate about her. We don’t have to talk every day, or even every month, but when we really need each other, there is no doubt that we will be there. We have a great balance of communication and emotional exchange. However, circling back to money, she is usually the one who uses her car and money to come see me and take me out places. She always sends me a gift for both Christmas and my birthday, but I can rarely afford to do the same for her. The gifts she sends me are always perfectly me, but I struggle to get things for her that she would like. Maybe I need to be more attentive and thoughtful in this relationship too. Lastly, I feel that I could probably strengthen our relationship if I reached out to her more often just because.

Lindsay – Like my relationship with Angel, Lindsay and I have a very low maintenance relationship. We like it that way. We have a good balance of communication and emotional exchange. Like all of my other relationships, if we go out somewhere, Lindsay usually has to pay for me. However, I am usually the one to drive out to see her so I guess that balances out. She doesn’t financially go out of her way for me which I am cool with. We usually just do free things together or hang around her house and chat. I am happy with this relationship overall, though I could probably strengthen it if I reached out to her more often just because.

I think that I am going to call it quits for the day. I will continue with this process tomorrow. Therefore, tomorrow’s post will be a bit robust, as there are a few more things that I wanted to touch on before moving on to something new. I may even end up having to draw my next card on Monday instead of Sunday, but we will see how it goes.

These shadow work posts are truly intended for my own self discovery and development, but I appreciate those who took the time to read this. I will continue my work with the 5 of wands for the remainder of the week OR until I feel that it is time for me to move onto another shadow aspect/card.

Love Always, AnxiouslyM

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