Continuing my work with the Ace of Wands…
Because I’m not nearly as confident, outgoing, and expressive as I was when I was younger, holding myself back has become so natural, that I really don’t know what I want any more. Additionally, I tend to exist with this constant feeling of being trapped with no way out. There are opportunities around me, there must be, but out of fear or resignation I blind myself to them. In regard to creative expression, the only outlet that I am really utilizing right now is this blog. This blog has been good for me. It makes me feel seen and heard even if no one is reading it. However, might there be more that I could do to express myself that I have just been too scared to try? Maybe there is some kind of new passion or venture waiting for me out there that I haven’t realized yet.
Today I am being led to ask myself a few questions about my current situation so I will be able to have a more clear and directed path forward. I know that the Ace of Wands is all about trusting your gut and taking action, but I haven’t exactly cultivated those skills yet. I am still more of a thinker and a feeler than a doer. I think that taking action will be much easier for me once I step back to acknowledge the opportunities around me.
What am I passionate and excited about right now? Currently I have been really happy and excited about starting a vegetable garden for the first time. I have wanted to make one for the past three years, but never did because I was scared that I wouldn’t be good at it. I am a bit scared that I may have just spent a whole bunch of money to build a raised garden bed without knowing if I will be able to actually grow anything, but I am trying to follow the guidance of my shadow work and just allow myself to have fun and try new things. I have been excited about learning to do beginner backyard foraging, and I have also been really enjoying my metaphysical studies, Bible study, and shadow work time. I have excited about getting back into a spiritual practice, and developing it in a way that best suits me instead of trying to find a spiritual community to fit into. Aside from that, I haven’t really felt very passionate towards anything.
If I could dream without limits, what would be the “big dream” for my life? If I could dream without limits, there are a lot of things that I would allow myself to do “just because.” There are many things that I want to integrate into my life but I have presently now allowed myself to try them because they don’t serve a purpose outside of my own personal enjoyment. I want to sing again, learn to play the guitar, and write my own music. I hope to continue to garden, forage, and improve my cooking skills. I want to continue with my metaphysical studies, religious studies, and spiritual practice. I wouldn’t mind trying to write a book one day or perhaps trying my hand at writing poetry or short stories. I want to take up hiking again and actually learn how to take quality pictures with my camera. I want to make and sell things, maybe jewelry or maybe something totally different that I haven’t discovered yet. I want to share all of this with others with full confidence and no fear. I don’t want to share these things with others for the sake of their praise or approval, but for the sake of being able to be my authentic self and to reveal my passions and self expression publicly. I want to be healthy and in shape without fixating on my weight or figure. I want my marriage to be fixed or over. I used to want a big fancy job with a cool title, but now I just want a job that will pay the bills that I enjoy. I want to find a job that is suited to my personality and needs, but I’m okay if that job isn’t the focal point of my life. In fact, I truly hope that it isn’t. I want to live in the woods in the mountains in a comfortable sized home with big windows that suits my needs. I want to make friends that I can share things with and be my authentic self with. Aside from wanting to be unafraid to be myself, my house in the mountains, and some material and personal desires, I don’t really have a “big dream” right now. Ultimately I think that big dream right now would be to be free of the thoughts and opinions of others so I can truly find a “dream” by trying new things and freely expressing myself…and to simply be happy.
What opportunities are being presented to me right now that I am not taking advantage of? At first, I did not think that I would have much to write here. However, after writing about some of the things I want to explore in the previous question, I now see that I could begin almost all of those things right now. My car is working now, so there is nothing stopping me from getting a job and saving more money for that dream house aside from my fear of change. Also, having a car will allow me to get back into hiking and other activities that I used to really enjoy. I already have all of the tools needed to start exploring every hobby mentioned above. Additionally, I have the internet where I can find groups of people with like minded interests and engage with others over the things that I enjoy. I can even find meet up groups online that share similar interests. When it comes to being myself unapologetically, I can start doing that right now. I just need to honor the thoughts and feelings that rise up in me and express them instead of pushing them back down. Also, if it is an issue of posting thoughts, feelings, or otherwise creative forms of self expression online, I can always just turn of my comments until I am able to better deal with people not liking what I have to say. Almost everything that I want to do, I can start right now, I just need to get up and do it. Opportunities are EVERYWHERE.
Is there anything that I want to do right now that I have been holding myself back from due to fear? I always keep my opinions to myself when it comes to conversations with others because I am afraid that they may get angry or won’t like me if they know what I truly stood for. I want to be able to speak my mind the way that others do, but in a more respectful and empathetic way lol. This also applies to my marriage. I don’t want to set him off so I tip toe around him until I am bitter and snappy. I don’t want to do that any more. It isn’t fair to anyone. I want to be able to lay it all on the table as it comes up so I can genuinely see if we are compatible and if we want the same things. I know this sounds silly, but sometimes I am cool with not being super active on social media but other times I envy those who shamelessly post and share 20x a day lol. I think that this ties in with me being overly self conscious and being afraid to share my true self. I don’t want to be an “influencer,” but if I want to voice something, share something, or take part in a fun internet trend then I want to be able to do so without fear if judgement from myself or others. All of the hobbies mentioned above, I have been holding myself back from them for fear of failure. I have also held myself from sharing these things with others from fear of judgement and rejection. I have been holding myself back from getting a job because I am scared of change. I’m sure that there are many more things that I allow to hold me back, the most common crux being a fear of public expression of things due to fear of judgement, rejection, or arguments.
How can I be more honest and authentic in my self expression? Just do it. Say what I think and feel when I think and feel it. Don’t hold back. Don’t give myself the chance to hesitate. Remember that I know who I am, my worth, and what I deserve. I won’t allow anyone to cause me to question that. Try things! I have to stop judging and condemning myself before anyone else has the chance to. This is to make assumptions that are usually never true. Remember who’s opinion matters…God’s, my own, and my children’s. Express myself because it is through expression and reflection that we come to know ourselves and allow others to know us. Stop trying to get the feel of a room, group, or situation before speaking. I have the right to me regardless. Accept that not everyone will like you. Sometimes their reasons are valid and sometimes they aren’t…and that’s only. Understand that how others perceive me has little to do with me and actual isn’t my business. I am not responsible for how other people choose to judge me. The only person’s opinion I am responsible for is my own, so I should focus on that instead of trying to make others like me. It is more important that I like myself.
Are there any creative outlets that I want to explore? I already answered this in question two and three. I think I am at a good starting place with this right now.
These shadow work posts are truly intended for my own self discovery and development, but I thank those of you who took the time to read this. I will be continuing my work with the Ace of Wands until the end of the week OR until I feel that it is time for me to move on to another card/shadow aspect.
Love Always, AnxiouslyM