Over the past day or so, I have given a lot of thought to how I might be able to start taking better care of myself and preparing myself for financial independence using the 5 of Swords reversed energy.
If I take a look at the situation I am in now, even though there have been some major improvements due to my own personal development journey and prayer, this is still a lose/lose situation at it’s core. Financially, I am still dependent on my mother-in-law to help us get through tough times. In this area of life, I lose my independence and she loses money. In my situation with Ross, I feel angry, frustrated, unheard, unseen, insignificant, and unappreciated. I imagine that he may be feeling some of these things as well, along with the struggles of his addiction that I don’t know if he will ever be willing to let go of or not. In this relationship, we are both losing, and have already lost, a great deal. Perhaps I can try to think of ways to change the dynamics in these situation from lose/lose to win/win. I think that I also need to consider the possibility that some of my relationships may not be worth the fight that I am putting into them. I can try to do this own my own, but I really think that I am going to need therapy for this and communication with the other person/people involved.
I also thought that it may be a good thing for me to assess where I am putting my energy (mental/emotional/spiritual/physical). I need to ask myself if these things are worth my energy and if they deserve more or less of my time. I want to also inspect my own wellbeing this week to discover the areas of my life where I need to take better care of myself and put myself first. I think that by the end of the week I am going to try to find a new therapist and get the ball rolling with that again.
But for today, I am going to start by assessing where I extend most of my mental energy. What occupies my thoughts most often? What to I work hard to “solve” or “fix”?
I currently extend a lot of mental energy to my hobbies. I have wondered for a while now if I use my hobbies as a distraction from the things in my life that aren’t going well. We all need an outlet, but I want to make sure that I don’t use my hobbies as a way to avoid dealing with my problems. I feel like I have so many hobbies now, it is hard for me to decide which ones to engage in. I extend a lot of mental energy to my religious and spiritual studies. It is noting for me to spend hours watching videos online about these topics or reading about them in books. I think a lot about new things I can learn and how to implement them in my life. Additionally, I spend a lot of my time thinking about plants and gardening. I am new to the craft, so I have spent a good amount of mental energy doing research for that lately. The same applies to foraging.
I also spend a good deal of mental energy thinking about my future. I do a lot of future planning and goal setting. I put a lot of mental energy into trying to plan and strategize my way out of my current situation. This isn’t something I only explore on my blog. It is something I am constantly thinking about. I feel that this is one of the most healthy things that I focus mental energy on, as it keeps me productive and on a path toward the future I want. However, the negative side to this is that it often spirals into day dreaming. I may start by thinking about how to save money but will end up thinking about how I plan to decorate my dream house one day. This is natural, and thankfully I don’t waste too much time getting caught up in day dreams.
I would be lying if I said that I didn’t extend a fair amount of mental energy trying to figure our what to do about Ross. However, I try to avoid thinking about this. I think that this could be why I am happier when he isn’t around…because when he is around me it reminds me of how much wreckage there is between us. I think about how to get him him sober and wonder if he ever will be. I think about how to improve our relationship and worry that maybe this is something that can’t be done. I think about what I will do if he dies from an overdose or if I end up having to leave him…in this sense it is as if I am planning two different futures simultaneously. I think about everything that isn’t right, and I try to look for the good. I question my own behavior in the relationship, searching to see if maybe it is ME that is adding to the problems.
I think a lot about my kids too. I think that all parents spend a lot of mental energy on their children. I personally don’t feel like I overdo it. I am not one of those moms who sits around worrying about “problems” with their kids that don’t exist. I think the mental energy that I extend in this area of my life is healthy.
It is hard to recall what you think about during the day when you aren’t actively listening to your thoughts. I think that I will keep my journal with me today and will jot down new thoughts as the come in so I can make an honest assessment of where I am spending my mental energy. I will update with the findings tomorrow. I think that I may even do this for my emotional, spiritual, and physical energy as well.
These shadow work posts are truly intended for my own self discovery and development, but I thank those of you who took the time to read this. I plan to continue to work with my shadow aspects relating to the Queen of Pentacles reversed for the rese of the week OR until I feel that it is time for me to move onto another card/shadow aspect.
Love Always, AnxiouslyM