I am so stuck. I don’t know how to move forward with this. I guess that I’m not the best at communicating with difficult people. I want to work through things and turn my situation from a lose/lose to a win/win, but I just can’t see how I am wrong in the situation. This makes communication very difficult with someone who also tends to think they are in the right. I know I am stubborn, so I try to think of ways that I may be misunderstanding things or ways that I could possibly be making things worse without knowing it…but I just don’t see it.
I have been angry with Ross since last night over money and drug issues. Our tax money came in yesterday. We had already agreed to give his mom most of it and split the little that was left over. He brought me my $260 and said that he was going to give the rest to his mom so not to mention it in front of her. When she came over, I noticed that the amount that he gave her was $660 sorter than what he had told me it was. Even though he told me not to say anything in front of her, it was clear that he wasn’t telling me something, so I asked him where the rest of the money was right in front of her. Later he came to me and told me that he had to but back his telescope and gun from pawn. Apparently he had pawned them when he went on a bender last week. Later in the day, he continued to act really hateful to me but wouldn’t say why. I went to confront him about it and said, “Why are you being so hateful to me? What is your problem?” He said, “You! Your always so…ugh.” He said that he told me not to say anything to his mom about the money and was pissed off that I did any way. I told him that I had asked him to tell me what he was doing with all of it so I wouldn’t be left in the dark. It would have been just as easy for him to talk to me and tell me about the pawn situation before his mom came over as it would have been for me to wait until she left to confront him about it. So who is wrong here? No matter how long I think about it, I don’t think the answer is me. During this time I found some drugs downstairs so I took them and hid them. He got really mad when he noticed so he came upstairs and demanded them back. He left immediately after that to go God knows where. We never communicated in a healthy way, no one admitted wrongs or apologized, and now today he is pretending like nothing ever happened while I’m fuming wanting him to go as far away from me as possible.
How can I fix this? How can I facilitate communication? How am I ever going to decide what is and isn’t worth the effort if I can’t even figure out how to start the process. I’m feeling a bit defeated this morning. Everything feels kind of screwed up.
Going back over my journal entry from yesterday, I see a mirror of the day before. I am mostly happy and focused on my hobbies, family, future planning, and self development. Aside from my usual anxiety, he seems to be the only thing offsetting my happiness and peace right now. What do I do about it? How can I fix it? CAN I even fix it? Is this a sign that I need to start planning to end it, or is there something I am missing that could solve everything.
I feel like I have a mental block here that is keeping me from seeing what I need to see. Shadow work is meant to help us work through blocks like this, but I am struggling to see my way around it. I wish dealing with others wasn’t always so complicated. Even if you do all of the self development work in the world, you can’t make others do the same. Not to mention, I believe that coming into contact with others who are still being controlled by their “shadow” is what truly tests our own progress and growth. It pushes us to either change or to fall back into our old ways. I don’t want to fall back, but I don’t know how to get through this. Maybe it will help if I spend a the day taking care of myself, trying to improve my mood, and thinking of ways to open conversation.
I just had a though, I may have issues opening communication because I have never felt that it was okay to communication about something that would make someone feel hurt, angry, or otherwise unhappy. I have always feared that opening communication about difficult things is really just opening the door for arguments. I like to talk things through, but not with people who are easily angered like Ross is. I wonder what stuff he went though to make him the way that he is. Why cant he talk about things? Why does he do what he wants no matter how it makes others feel? Why does he get so angry? Why can’t he take accountability and admit when he is wrong? Why would he rather pretend things didn’t happen than step up and apologize? I know his addiction issues are in part genetic, but why is he fighting sobriety so hard? It seems like he does not want to stop. Why does he fight being in a true partnership in favor of doing his own thing and hiding things from me so he can continue to do what he wants?
I am so stressed and burnt out with this. I would work through it if he was willing to do what he needs to do to make that happen. However, he isn’t being helpful at all right now. This shit brings me down so much. Sometimes I just want it to be over because it seems too broken to fix.
I don’t know….
These shadow work posts are truly intended for my own self discovery and development, but I thank those of you who took the time to read this. I will be working with my shadow aspects surrounding the Queen of Pentacles reversed OR until I feel that it is time for me to move onto another card/shadow aspect.
Love Always, AnxiouslyM