I woke up in a terrible mood this morning. After sitting with myself for a bit and making a morning coffee run, I decided to dive into my shadow work. I was feeling stuck again, so I decided to look back on the shadow work that I did last week for inspiration. Last week I was being called to invest in myself by determining whether the things I was putting my energy into were actually worth it. Additionally, I was being asked to think of way to improve my situation with the people in my life, something I didn’t make much headway in. This week I am being asked to focus on being grateful for the good in my life while also considering the areas of my life where I am settling for contentment over fulfilment. To truly work through this, I am going to have to cut ties with some things from my past. This is going to make moving forward seem difficult, but it is truly an opportunity to take my life back into my own hands.
Looking at my work from last week and this week together, it seems like they are both connected. Last week I was being asked to consider the things in my life that weren’t worth my energy, and this week I am being asked to cut ties with things that are no loner serving me. Both last week and this week are inviting me to give back to myself and consider my own happiness. Sadly, I really don’t feel like I truly evaluated where I was putting my energy last week. I tried, but looking back on last week, I think I was being dishonest with myself because I didn’t want to face the consequences of admitting that something was not serving me. Now that I have arrived at this week and am being asked to cut ties…I am finding myself woefully unprepared.
Thankfully, my cards for this week have urged me to take my time. They have urged me against acting rashly and have expressed the importance of taking the time to think and plan my next moves. Because of this, I think I may linger in this space for a bit so I can fully prepare myself to move forward. I am going to return to my shadow work from last week and blend it with the work I am being asked to do this week, as I feel the two go hand in hand. Therefore, exploring these shadow aspects, integrating them, and resolving the relating issues in my life will likely take longer than a week.
As I sat today thinking of why I was so resistant to being honest with myself about the things that aren’t serving me, my mind kept returning to my need for permanence, my fear of change, my fear of hurting others, my fear of expressing myself, and my issues with attachment. The word attachment hung in my mind more than the others. After all, how am I supposed to cut ties if I’m struggling with attachment issues? So, I decided to do some research online. I came across a quiz to determine my attachment style and I decided to give it a shot. According to the test, and one other that I had taken previously, I have a fearful avoidant attachment style. The first time I took one of these tests, I simply skimmed through the description and went on about my day. However, today I decided to research it a bit further. I came across a YouTube channel that went into detail about the fearful avoidant person and how they interact in all types of relationships. I was blown away by the information that I learned.
When I first read the description of the fearful avoidant attachment style, I didn’t think that it really fit me. According to the site I was on, fearful avoidants commonly suffered chaotic abusive childhoods with a lot of fighting and abuse in the home. This was not my experience at all. However, after watching the YouTube video series, I learned that this type of attachment style forms when there is an issue of trust and rejection between a child and their caregivers. As I have mentioned in a previous post, I felt extremely rejected by my father, who never came around to see me and hid my existence from his wife and children. Additionally, I felt rejected by my mother because I felt that she only accepted me and praised me when I was the version of myself that she liked the best. Because I could tell that she liked me best a certain way, I stopped trusting her with my inner thoughts and feelings. I feared that if I was honest with her about who I was and what I was feeling, she would no longer approve of me.
According to the videos I watched, this type of childhood makes the fearful avoidant person grow up to be someone who is constantly craving love but is scared to let anyone get too close. They give off hot and cold vibes trying too keep their relationships/closeness in balance when in reality, they are struggling with balance within themselves. The struggle to communicate their thoughts and feelings. However, they are often overly perceptive of the people around them, allowing their fear to assign meaning to a persons actions which they then internalize. These internalizations often later erupt in outburst or come out in later arguments. They are often in chaotic romantic relationships. In friendships, they usually allow their friends to vent to them but never share much in return. They take a long time to become vulnerable to new people. Additionally, if they feel that a friendship is becoming too distant or too close, they often phase the relationship out. They often avoid making new friends because they don’t know if they can deal with inviting in another relationship that they have to keep in balance (close/distant.)
There was so much more to it than this, but these were just a few of the things that I made note of. I hope to make a post later on where I share a link to the test, the videos that I watched, and a bit about each attachment style because I really think that it is helpful information to know. It may be too early to tell, but I think that this has the potential to be life changing for me. Later this week, I plan to do some research on how to work with my attachment style to become more secure. I hope that this will make it easier for me to evaluate and cut ties with the things that are not serving me. In addition to this, I plan to focus on reexploring the evaluation process that I went through last week, this time making an effort to be 100% honest with myself. I also plan to start noting all of the things that I am grateful for every day before starting my shadow work. Finally, I want to review some of my earlier shadow work where I made a list of the dreams that I had for my future to see how that may play into this months theme of fulfilment.
Wish me luck! I think I’m finally on the right track, now to see it through.
These shadow work posts are truly intended for my own self discovery and development, but I thank those of you who took the time to read this. I plan to work with my shadow aspects relating to the 9 of Cups for the rest of the week OR until I feel that it is time for me to move onto another card/shadow aspect.
Love Always, AnxiouslyM