Picking up where I left of yesterday, today I decided to tackle the first, second, and third task on on my list to finding the negative things in my live and cutting them out. First I made my lists, one labeled “good” and the other labeled “bad.” Next, I went back on my blog and reviewed the list I had made regarding my hopes, dreams, and goals for my future. For the sake of this post, I will provide a brief overview of these hopes/dreams/goals:
- Education – Get my associates degree, maybe move forward to get my BA.
- Employment – Find a secure comfortable job that makes me happy and offers good pay and benefits.
- Finances – Raise my credit score. Build up a savings account.
- Friendships – Build up a small community with whom I can share and enjoy my hobbies with.
- Family – Build up strong family connections.
- Fun – Fully engage in my passions and craft.
- Self-employment – Continue to explore and devote time to my small business.
- Transportation – Have a reliable vehicle.
- Mental health – Make my mental health a priority and overcome my anxiety triggers.
- Marriage – Repair marriage or leave.
- Home – Own my own home.
Each item from the list above also has sub points and tasks for me to do to help me work towards achieving these goals. However, for the sake of this post, I have decided to simply provide the short version of the list. After thinking things over, I moved onto step three, think about what is keeping me off track from these goals and add them to my list labeled “bad.” Each day I will provide an updated version of my “good” and “bad” lists. As I end my shadow work today, my “good” list is blank and my “bad” list looks like this.
- Not wanting to give up my free time and break my routine to get a job.
- Wanting to stay in my comfort zone and not wanting to break my routine to try to make friends.
- Feeling that It would be too exhausting to take on new friends and telling myself that I am already too overcommitted.
- Not wanting to break my routine or give up my hobbies to do more activities that the kids would like.
- Not wanting to take time out of my routine to reach out to and go visit my family.
- Fear of failure and a loss of money regarding my jewelry/tarot business.
- Ross won’t communicate with me, own up to his shit, take accountability, or be open enough to change to fix himself…much less to help me fix us.
- Ross has been resistant to seeking outside help for our marriage because he thinks everything will become all about his addiction.
- Ross does not really want to quit doing drugs. He told me today that he hates Suboxone and he would rather just do drugs in small amounts to keep the withdrawal away until he can slowly quit…we all know that won’t work.
- Because Ross does not want to quit or isn’t ready to quit, he has failed to commit to any treatment programs and is not open to trying anything new.
Even tough it wasn’t on my original task list from yesterday, I am thinking about going back and adding some things to my “good” lists that I am doing right to reach my goals. However, I have had an emotionally taxing morning and I didn’t sleep well last night. I think that maybe that would be a good way for me to start my day tomorrow.
These shadow work posts are truly intended for my own self discovery and development, but I thank those of you who took the time to read this. My work with the 9 of Cups will likely extend into next week, as I am backtracking a bit to make sure that I am doing the work right.
Love Always, AnxiouslyM