Today I started by completing tasks four and five on my list: reviewing the list I had made earlier in my shadow work regarding the things that I allow to control my life, determining if I am STILL allowing any of those things to control my life, and adding those things to my list labeled “bad.” After my work today, this is what my “bad” list looks like this
- Not wanting to give up my free time and break my routine to get a job.
- Wanting to stay in my comfort zone and not wanting to break my routine to try to make friends.
- Feeling that It would be too exhausting to take on new friends and telling myself that I am already too overcommitted.
- Not wanting to break my routine or give up my hobbies to do more activities that the kids would like.
- Not wanting to take time out of my routine to reach out to and go visit my family.
- Fear of failure and a loss of money regarding my jewelry/tarot business.
- Ross won’t communicate with me, own up to his shit, take accountability, or be open enough to change to fix himself…much less to help me fix us.
- Ross has been resistant to seeking outside help for our marriage because he thinks everything will become all about his addiction.
- Ross does not really want to quit doing drugs. He told me today that he hates Suboxone and he would rather just do drugs in small amounts to keep the withdrawal away until he can slowly quit…we all know that won’t work.
- Because Ross does not want to quit or isn’t ready to quit, he has failed to commit to any treatment programs and is not open to trying anything new.
- Fear of failure.
- Fear of confrontation and fighting.
- Self doubt.
- Fear of financial struggle.
- Lack of self confidence.
For the sake of my mental health, I decided to add some steps to my list. I went back and added the positive things that I am doing to reach my goals and the things that I no longer allow to control my life to my “good” list. After my work today, my “good” list looks like this:
- I am actively preparing to retake my math college placement test so I can reenroll in college in the fall.
- I am actively preparing my resume so I can go job hunting soon.
- I have saved $1,100.00 and plan to use that money to boost my credit with a secured credit card as soon as I am working again.
- I have been spending more time with my kids, especially Brent.
- My car is mostly fixed.
- I have gotten insurance and am actively searching for a therapist that accepts my insurance that I vibe with.
- I have been doing my shadow work, spiritual studies, and hobbies every day.
- I no longer require as much outside validation and reassurance as I did when I began my shadow work/self development work.
- I no longer allow my past to dictate my future.
- I am actively taking steps to improve my financial situation.
These shadow work posts are truly intended for my own self discovery and development, but I thank those if you who took the time to read this. My work with the 9 of Cups will extend beyond this week. I will move onto another shadow aspect when I am ready.
Love Always, AnxiouslyM