Open Diary 20

Something happened between Ross and I on Wednesday that has me reeling. I really need to get it off my chest. Not to mention, I want to make sure that I have it on record so I don’t forget and just let it all blow over as I usually do.

As those of you who have been keeping up with my posts already know, Ross has been getting about $493.00 a week in unemployment. At first, he tried to hide it from me so he wouldn’t have to give any to me or to his mom for rent. When I found out, I told him that I wouldn’t tell his mom about it as long as he faithfully gave me half of it each week. After all, our rent is payed up until September and he is unemployed just like I am, so he really does not need that much money to get through the week. So, this Tuesday when I came to him for my $200 (which is still a bit less than the half that I deserve), he told me that he had added this app on his phone called Dave which was holding his money and would not let it out until the following day. He told me that he would give my $140 that day and the rest the next.

So, naturally I confronted him Wednesday morning for the rest of the money. He told me that he had to check the account first. I guess he thought I would go away after that because when I didn’t, he slowly pulled out his phone and started logging into his accounts. He took WAY too long to do this. Once he was finally logged on, he said that the money was available. However, he never made a move to give me his card so I could go withdrawal it.

I don’t know how it got started, but we ended up in an argument. He said that he didn’t know why I was freaking out about it acting like he wasn’t going to give me the money…yet he still didn’t give it to me. I tried to explain to him that my reactions to him are a response to things that he has done to me in the past. For instance, I sleep with my purse and keys now because he has stolen from me and taken my car without asking. He said that all I ever do it bitch at him about money. I then said that we never talk about anything ever so sorry if it feels like bitching when I ask for something from him. He then made the comment that he was SUFFERING to give me the money…as if giving me half is some how drastically putting him out in some way. I told him that I was angry because he clearly thinks that his needs and contributions are more important than mine. it is clear to me that he does not value me and does not see me as an equal because if he did, he would agree that as equal partners in a marriage, we both deserve an equal share of the resources. Not to mention, that our relationship isn’t equal. I do everything around the house and with the kids while he simply bounces back and fourth between being high and withdrawal. He then he had THE AUDICITY to tell me that I was making all of this up in my head. He said that things aren’t really like this, I am just claiming that they are because that is the way that I have chosen to see it. I begged him to tell me how I was wrong but he gave me no real answer. I told him that I was trying to communicate with him and asked why he wouldn’t give me an answer but he still didn’t respond. At this point I am frustrated and in tears. He then says that I AM GREEDY for wanting half of HIS money. It is his money because you actual have to work to get unemployment. That is how it works he says. Neverminded that we are MARRIED. I AM GREEDY for making him SUFFER. I asked how he was suffering and what he needed $493 a week for anyways since he was unemployed just like me. He outright told me that he wanted to use the money to by drugs so he could “get off this shit.” How does that make any fucking sense??? He wants to do drugs so he can get off of drugs…wtf. He said he wants to do this to keep the withdrawals away while he tapers down (which has NEVER worked for him). I told him, you have suboxone and are in a program, why aren’t you doing that??? He said, yeah to hang myself with, I hate it. Then he comes after my savings! He says, what are you even mad about? You have to have like $2,000.00 saved by now right? Just use that. At this point I had had enough. All in one conversation he basically told me that he does not view me as an equal, he does not value me and what I do for him and our family, he does not view marriage in the same way that I do, he does not respect my feelings, he does not actually want to get clean, and he does not see that by saving money I am trying to build a better future. I will never be able to build with him. Finally I said for him to just forget it and that I didn’t need money or anything else from him ever again.

I am so unbelievably fed up with him. Why can’t I just pull the trigger and go?

I should also mention that a few weeks ago when Ross and I went to go pick up the wood for my vegetable garden, he told me that it was really him who had bought my gardening stuff even though I bought it myself with my half of the money. He said that it was really his money and when I got upset, he had an outburst and said he was joking…yeah right.

Anyways, all of this has motivated me to get the ball rolling with employment. I have a meeting today to see someone at the library who will be helping to make me a resume. Even though I don’t really want to, I am going to be getting a job soon. I also spoke with someone at my county offices about affordable housing in my county. I think I may take a drive up there next week to see what I have to do to get on the waiting list and if there is anywhere that will accept me considering that I have a cat and Gail can sometimes make a lot of noise due to her being in her own world and stemming. I am taking steps to get back to college in the fall to finish my associates degree. I am getting out of this mess one way or another, and if I end up having to do it all alone, I wont be letting him reap a fucking bit of the benefits.

In other news, I went to go see my cousin Lindsay’s new house last weekend. It is so beautiful. I especially love the big windows and her patio. Her house is surrounded by woods. I absolutely love it. I’m so happy for her. I drove with my mom and Gail to go see her. Gail was in a wild mood which was a bit stressful. Not to mention, my mom kept making comments about my driving that really irritated me. There was a whole situation with a milkshake that I had bought and my mom ended up eating. I know it was petty but tensions were a little high. I love the house but it wasn’t the most enjoyable trip overall.

My kids are doing well. Brent and I have been connecting a lot and spending quality time together. Gail and I are as close as ever. However, Gail is struggling in school a bit. She hasn’t been listening to her teachers and she has had some issues with pulling her pants down in class. I don’t really know how things are going to play out next year. I think that I may put it on my list of to-do tasks to look into financial assistance for the private neurodivergent school in my area where she may be able to get both the education and support that she needs. Also, her two front teeth are getting a bit lose. I wonder how long it will take for them to fall out.

My gardening has been going well….well, mostly just the squash but still…its something lol.

Finally, my friend and I will be taking a trip tomorrow so she can check out Richmond, VA where she plans to move. Hopefully that trip will go well. Sometimes I a a little iffy with long car rides.

Love Always, AnxiouslyM

3 thoughts on “Open Diary 20

  1. sundaygirl9 says:

    Wow. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Ross sounds pretty abusive and I’m sure you must get a lot of feedback about him. Despite what everyone may think that the decision to leave should be black and white, it’s not. I hope that you have access to a good support system and know that you’ll do what you need to do in good time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. AnxiouslyM says:

      Thank you so much. I appreciate your support. You’re right, it isn’t always so simple. Thankfully I do have people that I can talk to and blogging helps too. Each day I get more confident in myself to do what I need to do when I’ve had enough. The hard part has been recognizing when that time actually comes if that makes sense. I know that he is hurting and there is a part of him that wants to do better? I just don’t know how long I should wait for this to happen. Thank you again for your support, you did not over step and I really do appreciate it.


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