Shadow Work Session 36: 9 Of Cups

Today I am moving forward with task seven and eight on my list. Task seven is to review the things that are still holding me back from having big dreams and going after them, adding these things to my “bad” list. Task eight is to review my passions, hobbies, hopes, dreams, things, and relationships that make me happy and to add these things to my list labeled “good.”

After my work today, my “good” list looks like this:

  • I am actively preparing to retake my math college placement test so I can reenroll in college in the fall.
  • I am actively preparing my resume so I can go job hunting soon.
  • I have saved $1,100.00 and plan to use that money to boost my credit with a secured credit card as soon as I am working again.
  • I have been spending more time with my kids, especially Brent.
  • My car is mostly fixed.
  • I have gotten insurance and am actively searching for a therapist that accepts my insurance that I vibe with.
  • I have been doing my shadow work, spiritual studies, and hobbies every day.
  • I no longer require as much outside validation and reassurance as I did when I began my shadow work/self development work.
  • I no longer allow my past to dictate my future.
  • I am actively taking steps to improve my financial situation.
  • My relationship with my kids.
  • I am working to become more financially independent of my mother-in-law.
  • My relationship with my mom.
  • My friendships have all been good lately.
  • I am getting better with trusting my instincts.
  • I am getting slightly more confident in expressing myself.
  • My kids.
  • My mom.
  • My friends.
  • My spiritual time in the mornings.
  • Spiritual and religious study.
  • Gardening.
  • Nature and hiking.
  • Working toward a better future financially, educationally, and personally.
  • Thinking about my dream house.
  • Blogging.

After my work today, my ‘bad” list looks like this:

  • Not wanting to give up my free time and break my routine to get a job.
  • Wanting to stay in my comfort zone and not wanting to break my routine to try to make friends.
  • Feeling that It would be too exhausting to take on new friends and telling myself that I am already too overcommitted.
  • Not wanting to break my routine or give up my hobbies to do more activities that the kids would like.
  • Not wanting to take time out of my routine to reach out to and go visit my family.
  • Fear of failure and a loss of money regarding my jewelry/tarot business.
  • Ross won’t communicate with me, own up to his shit, take accountability, or be open enough to change to fix himself…much less to help me fix us.
  • Ross has been resistant to seeking outside help for our marriage because he thinks everything will become all about his addiction.
  • Ross does not really want to quit doing drugs. He told me today that he hates Suboxone and he would rather just do drugs in small amounts to keep the withdrawal away until he can slowly quit…we all know that won’t work.
  • Because Ross does not want to quit or isn’t ready to quit, he has failed to commit to any treatment programs and is not open to trying anything new.
  • Fear of failure.
  • Fear of confrontation and fighting.
  • Self doubt.
  • Fear of financial struggle.
  • Lack of self confidence.
  • My relationship with Ross makes me sad, angry, and is definitely out of balance. He won’t open up and communicate with me. I feel undervalued and unappreciated by him. He won’t stop using drugs or even fully devote himself to treatment. We view marriage differently. I feel like he is constantly working against me. I try to move forward in life but always feel like I am having to backtrack on his account. We don’t have sex. There is no romance or intimacy. We don’t spend any time together enjoying each other’s company. There seems to be no motivation on his part to fix things because of his defensive self defeating attitude and his addictions. Because of how our marriage has been for so long, I find that I too have become more defensive and stubborn. I feel held back by him because he is so resistant to recovery and fixing our issues so we can move forward in life. He won’t even be vulnerable with me and let me be there for him because he would rather do his own thing. He does not want to have to answer to me. He does not want to take accountability for his actions to make changes. When I bring up my feeling or concerns to him, he either responds by turning them back around on me OR meeting them with an oh well that sucks attitude. Even though I do more around the house and take care of the kids more than he does, he does not feel that I am owed a fair share of the money that comes in. When I say fair here I mean HALF. He has no goals, plans, desires, or passions that he vocalizes and actively works towards. He seems to have no drive to get better. All of this has caused me to put up walls between he and I to keep myself from getting hurt. He gets angry with me for this, claiming that I treat him unfairly for no reason. He fails to acknowledge that every time I do let these walls down he disappoints me, lies to me, takes advantage of me, and hurts me.
  • My mother-in-law is still too involved in my life and choices. She voices her opinions too openly about what I say and do as if she some how has some kind of control over me and my kids.
  • My friend Jacklyn puts in no effort in our friendship. If I am being honest, neither do I. I can tell it isn’t a priority for her. Attentionally, when we were close I found that she was very emotionally demanding even though I enjoyed spending time with her. If she wants to ghost or phase out the friendship, maybe I should let her.
  • I need to make more of an effort to reach out to my other family members to strengthen my relationships with them.
  • Lack of self confidence and courage.
  • Fear of failure or loss.
  • Ross, because he holds me back in a lot of ways from going after my dreams. He also makes me feel limited in what I can achieve, because I have to consider him in everything that I do.
  • Felling like going after my dreams could upset the lives of other people. Specifically Ross and my kids. This would also attract the judgement and opinions of my mother-in-law.
  • Not wanting to overcommit myself to go after big dreams.

These shadow work posts are truly intended for my own self discovery and development, but I thank those if you who took the time to read this. My work with the 9 of Cups will extend beyond this week. I will move onto another shadow aspect when I am ready.

Love Always, AnxiouslyM

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