On to task number eleven! It has been a long process but I am almost to the end. I hope that it will be well worth it. Todays task is to review my “bad” list and determine what can be cut out to set me on the path to a better future. What can I change on my list RIGHT NOW by simply letting go? This will involve some condensing as well, because I know that there are some things on my list that I have mentioned more than once.
Doing things a little bit differently today, these are the “bad” list items that I can cross out simply by releasing my old patterns and behaviors:
- Not wanting to give up my free time to get a job. Just do it! I need to realize that right now, I need a job and my own income. I can adjust and still make time for myself and the things I enjoy if I go out and get a job. I can get used to a new normal. Sometimes change is both good and needed.
- Wanting to stay in my comfort zone. Not wanting to upset my routine to get out and make friends. After some thought, I think that before making new friends, I need to learn how to be present with the ones that I already have. My friends are so good to me and are always so thoughtful. My friends Angel and Tiff are always picking out cute gifts for me. Angel never misses a birthday or Christmas. Lindsay is really thoughtful and supportive too. However, I have come to realize that I don’t go out of my way to be as thoughtful of them. I mean, I care for them but I haven’t really seen the need in going out of my way to do nice things for them. Maybe I should start? When I feel like I am giving my current friends the attention they deserve, I can maybe put myself out there to try to make new friends. I think that I could also utilize the internet more, even wordpress blogs and Facebook groups to engae with others over shared interests.
- Feeling too over committed to make new friends. See answer to previous question.
- Not wanting to take time out of my routine to do things with the kids that they would like. I don’t have to step out of my routine to do things with Gail because she loves to help with everything. She loves to help me in the garden and go outside with me. I just need to let her. Brent is a bit more picky. However, he and I have been talking a lot more lately. Resuming game nights with Nana needs to happen. We were all really enjoying that and it gave us all an excuse to spend time together Also, it wouldn’t hurt for me to set time aside to do something with him one day a week. This is something that I have already been doing a lot better with. I just need to keep the momentum going.
- Not wanting to take time out of my routine to reach out to other family members. Start small. Start by picking one person a week and giving them a call. Engage more with the things that they share on social media. Attend family events as they come up. As time goes on, the relationships should grow closer and mend.
- Fear of failure and loss of money in my jewelry business. For money, I should try to set aside money expecting to lose it. That way I will be both financially and emotionally prepared for it if it happens. My fear of failure is well ingrained in me and will be hard to overcome. The only thing that I can think to do is to simply push past it and prove myself wrong. I should try to work on my understanding of success and failure. Not everything needs to be viewed from that lens. Sometimes success is simply having the courage to try for something even if it does not work out.
- Not wanting to take time away from my other hobbies for my jewelry business. Again, break the routine and learn to be flexible. Make a schedule and stick to it. If you fall off every now and then it is okay. Just return to the schedule and stay productive as long as your mental health allows. Don’t run yourself into the ground, but do make time to put in work. Having to take time away from other hobbies does not mean that you need to cut them out all together.
- Fear of failure. My fear of failure is well ingrained in me and will be hard to overcome. The only thing that I can think to do is to simply push past it and prove myself wrong. I should try to work on my understanding of success and failure. Not everything needs to be viewed from that lens. Sometimes success is simply having the courage to try for something even if it does not work out.
- Self doubt. Practice following your gut feeling. Practice acting on that feeling without analyzing it too much. Instead of allowing your first instinct to be to reach out to others for their opinions and validation, refocus and ask YOURSELF what you think and feel.
- Fear of financial struggle. You are already taking steps to fix this. Focus on saving, budgeting, and developing financial literacy. Get a job. Hopefully with time finances won’t be so unstable and intimidating.
- Lack of self confidence. Just like with self doubt, I need to focus on my own thoughts and opinions without worrying about the thoughts and opinions of others in regards to ME. For every negative thought about myself, I need to replace it with three positive ones. Keep moving forward with shadow work and striving to know and love myself. Learn who I am and my value. Never let anything make me question that. Don’t give into fear. Prove to myself that I have no reason to be afraid or ashamed.
- My friend Jacklyn seems to have let go of our friendship. Let her let go. You let go too. Accept that some people aren’t meant to be in your life forever and that’s okay. No need to harbor hard feelings about it.
- Not wanting to overcommit to go after big dreams. Realize that if you don’t go for what you really want, you will always think about it. It is okay to change your mind, not everything has to last forever, but at least give it a try. Focus on scheduling and listening to you body/mental health and honor what it needs. Don’t drive yourself into the ground, but go for what you want!!!
- Physical inactivity and my weight. First, remember that there is nothing wrong with you at any size! You don’t have to kill yourself to fit into someone else’s idea of pretty. However, if the focus is HEALTH rather than LOOKS, start engaging in the active things that you enjoy like hiking and gardening. Make a schedule and be sure to make time for these physical activities. Change your relationship with food. Focus on finding goog filling meals and snacks that are made with healthy ingredients. Pick out your favorite unhealthy foods and try to find healthy alternatives. Allow yourself to indulge every now and then. NO crash diets.
- Having to do all of the house work alone. Hey, while I’m making a personal schedule for myself, I may as well make one for house work too. There are four people in my house and each of us are capable of doing something. If someone *Ross* does not do their part, then I just won’t cook dinner for them lol.
- Jobs that don’t pay well or make me happy. The next time you are job hunting, go ahead and put in your application for jobs that seem interesting to you even if you don’t think that you will get the job. Just go for it and see what happens. Don’t undervalue yourself and never allow a job to. It you HAVE to setle on pay, fine, but NEVER settle for unhappiness or mistreatment.
These are all of the things on the list that I think can be changed with some minor adjustments. Tomorrow I will try to tackle some of the more complicated stuff like Ross, my anxiety, and my fear of confrontation. I hope that goes well because after todays work, I feel better already!!
These shadow work posts are truly intended for my own self discovery and development, but I thank those if you who took the time to read this. My work with the 9 of Cups will extend beyond this week. I will move onto another shadow aspect when I am ready.
Love Always, AnxiouslyM