Shadow Work Session 40: 9 Of Cups

Today I am on to the final task on my list of how to free myself from the negativity in my life. Today’s task is to review the things that still remain on my “bad” list. The things that I can cut out of my life with a simple shift in my behavior or thought patterns. While reviewing my list, I plan to think of ways that I can improve these situations and things since I can’t seem to cut them out just yet.

  • Unsurprising to me, the thing that I had the most to talk about on my “bad” list was my marriage to Ross. I am unhappy with my entire marriage, every aspect of it. Additionally, I am unhappy with his behavior and treatment of me. I know that most people would tell me that I need to cut him out of my life, but it isn’t so cut and dry. I have been with him for 15 years and we have 2 kids together. Because my life has become so intertwined with those of my family, I am not fully prepared right now to cut him loose and go off on my own. However, I am working to get to this place. No matter if I stay with him or not, I want to be able to take care of myself. It has been my plan to focus on myself, getting a job, getting a working car, fixing my credit, and building a small nest egg. When I come to a place where I feel confident in my ability to support myself and my kids, I will be in a better position to decide if I will leave him or not. I have already made a lot of progress along this path and I am really proud of myself. However, I am still torn regarding my feelings about Ross. On one hand, emotions feel dead and the situations surrounding us feel out of control. I don’t know if I will ever be able to fix things or to bring the feelings that I/we once had back. However, on the other hand, I know that he still loves me. I know that he is battling with something that is bigger than both of us. I don’t really know how to feel about it all. I just know that I am unhappy and that I don’t want things to be like this forever. To anyone who actually takes the time to read this, I am desperately open to thoughts, suggestions, and opinions as I am struggling to get an objective perspective on this. I appreciate those of you who have already reached out to show support (sundaygirl9 & Y. Lespar). I think that perhaps to make this situation better in the meantime, I could focus on being more vocal with my thoughts and feelings. I usually hold back because I don’t want to argue with or upset Ross, but that isn’t healthy for me. I also think that I need to make marriage counseling a requirement, and I need to also require him to make further effort to get sober. He needs to go away somewhere to detox because he isn’t doing it on his own like he said that he would. He needs to cut off old friends and join AA, or some other kind of addiction community that provides him with support. I can’t make him do any of this though and he has already expressed resistance to these things? How can I make the situation better if he won’t work with me? Maybe this is where the decision to leave comes into play? I voice my needs and demands openly, and if he does not comply by the time I am ready to go then…I go. Thoughts?
  • After condensing my list, the only thing left is my fear of confrontation and upsetting others. I don’t know how to get over this. Maybe therapy would help? Maybe to have a safe space where I feel free to talk about uncomfortable things…this is why I want to see a marriage counselor, so I can confront Ross in a safe environment where he HAS to hear me out. One thing that has helped me in the past is to think of all of the ways that the person I am trying to protect has hurt me in the past. It made it a bit easier to put that person’s feelings aside, but I am not sure if this is healthy. Maybe I need to do some research on tips that could help me with this. Do you guys have any thoughts?

These shadow work posts are truly intended for my own self discovery and development, but I thank those of you who took the time to read this. For the remainder of the week, I plan to work on researching strategies that might help me to overcome some of the things that I am struggling with. I plan to move onto a new shadow aspect on Sunday.

Love Always, AnxiouslyM

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