Open Diary 22: Birthday Edition

Level Up! Yesterday was my 32 birthday!

I started the morning preparing for an online interview. I had been practicing and going over my notes for days. It was the first interview that I had been on in years, so I admit that I may have gone a bit overboard. I researched every possible question and had my que cards spread out in front of me. I also, got up early and did my make up for the first time in months (made me remember how much I hate it haha). No matter how prepared I was, it couldn’t save me from my own awkwardness. My interviewer was late, and she decided to only do a voice call rather than a video. This threw me off, and irritated me that I had gotten all dresses up for nothing. She asked me some questions that I didn’t prepare for, and I feel like I didn’t answer them very well. Also, for some reason, I kept said “thank you, yes, thank you,” any time she told me something about the job. I was mortified However, she did say it was a “pleasant” interview, and that I should hear something back from them by today or tomorrow. Still no news yet but we will see.

I was a little disappointed after the interview because the hours are not what I expected. Even if I get the job, I may not be able to make it work. The lady said I would have to work some Saturdays and holidays, which Ross’s mom said she did not want to watch Gail on weekends or holidays. Also, the shift times are between 6:00am and 8:00pm. I have to get the kids to school in the morning and am not able to work until at least 7am…and that is if I wake the kids an hour early, get them ready, and have my mother-in-law drive them. Lastly, Ross’s mom said that she didn’t want to watch Gail but for a few hours after school on the week days. 8:00pm is her bed time, and may be a bit late for my mother-in-law. The job is remote, so I may be able to figure it out. I just don’t know how when I would be working as a call center person and Gail, like any almost 6 year old, likes to be loud and requires my attention.

I know that this isn’t the only job out there, it is just the first one to contact me. However, it would be nice to have a full time professional job with benefits where I can work from home. Hopefully I can figure something out.

Next, I went to pick up Gail from school and we went grocery shopping at Walmart. It was pouring down rain, and I actually drove by myself. The anxiety was there, but I was able to push through it. I don’t know if I could have done it if it was raining much worse than it was, but I was proud of myself. Because it was raining so hard, Gail and I got soaked, but I wasn’t upset about it. Gail loves jumping in muddy puddles.

When I got home from the store is when things went sour. Ross, who had been dope sick in bed all morning, was waiting for me when I got home. All he said to me was, “Can I use your car again to go to F*******’s house again, mine is still out of gas.” I said, “Didn’t I just let you use my car to go there last night?” He said, “Yeah, but I need to go again.” I stared at him for a minute, waiting to see if he had anything else to say….he didn’t. No Happy Birthday! No how did your interview go? Not even a good morning. I said, “This is really all you care about isn’t it?” He didn’t answer. I tossed him my keys and said, “Go, but I think I am done.” He said, “Oh really?” I didn’t answer, and that was the end of it. He was up all night out with his friends and still hasn’t come home. When he did come home for a bit, he asked if he could take the foodstamp card to get his friend something to eat. I checked the card in the morning and he had spent over $100 of it!! I called him this morning just to make sure he wasn’t dead, and he said he loved me. I reflexively said that I loved him too, but I kinda wanna take this moment and run with it. I kinda want this to be the end. I am contemplating what I want to do from here. Should I tell him when he comes home that I meant what I said, I’m done, or should I just keep going with my original plan to get my own shit together first? I haven’t decided yet….and he still hasn’t realized he forgot my birthday.

Is that petty of me? To expect my husband and partner of 15 years to remember my birthday even while dealing with a drug addiction? I am seriously asking! I feel guilty for being mad even though I know that I deserve attentiveness from my partner. Seriously people, hit me with the hard truth, am I overreacting or am I in the “right?”

After that, I spent the rest of my birthday in a sour mood. I went out to buy everyone milkshakes and myself some hibachi for dinner as a birthday treat.

That was that, the start of my 32 year. Some pros and cons for sure, but something tells me that this is the year that I really step into my power!

Love Always, AnxiouslyM

2 thoughts on “Open Diary 22: Birthday Edition

    1. AnxiouslyM says:

      Thank you! I appreciate that. It truly feels like that at times to be honest. Sometimes I feel like staying me actually be hurting more than helping, but I’m still trying to figure it all out.

      Liked by 1 person

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