Open Diary 23

I don’t even want to write about this, but I feel like I need to. I am going to turn comments off though, because I am still a bit too emotional to deal with any feedback. I know this is all fucked up, and I know that I may be wrong in a lot of ways for what I chose to deal with and allow. However, things are never black and white, and both of us are struggling in our own ways. I am doing the best that I can right now, and that’s okay.

I have had a emotionally tumultuous week. There have been some majorly positive things that have happened, but those things were countered by some majorly negative things. I’m still trying to regain my bearings and get back on track after all of the ups and downs of the past week.

The day after my interview/birthday(May 4th) around 5pm, I got the call that I got the job. I was so excited! It was the best job offer that I have ever gotten. I will be starting June 7th working full time. I will be making more money than I have ever made before in my life and I will be able to get benefits. Additionally, I will be able to work from home until Covid restrictions are lifted.

The first thing I did was to call my mom. She was really excited for me. Next I called my cousin Lindsay, as she had helped me practice for my interview the week before. She was really happy for me too, but this is where the craziness starts. I decided to tell her that Ross had forgotten my birthday and had only just remembered and offered to take me out. She then asked me if I was going to leave now that I was working. I said that I wasn’t sure, but it was definitely a thought that I was having because there hasn’t really been much progress with him and what happened with him on my birthday, asking to use my car to go get drugs but forgetting all about both my birthday and my interview, really triggered me. I told her that either way, the new job was a blessing because it would allow me to afford to pay our $800/month rent while still having plenty left over. The conversation was short and I didn’t really think anything of it. However, soon after hanging up the phone I realized that Ross had been listening to my conversation from the window.

He had only caught bits and pieces, but the way he understood it, I had already found an apartment and was planning to leave him. He burst out of the house with my keys in hand, and started pulling out all of my papers from my glovebox and throwing them around my car. I asked him what was wrong and he said “nothing.” I asked what he was looking for and he said “something important.” I followed him back in the house to see that he had also dug through my desk and clothes, as everything was strewn all over in disarray. I started to get scared that he was going to start breaking my things so I asked for my keys back. He told me that he would give them back in a minute. I grabbed them as soon as he put them down.

Next, I followed him down to the garage. I asked him what was wrong and he told me that he had heard my conversation. I don’t remember everything that was said because it was really traumatic for me, but I do remember some things. I tried to tell him that I told her that yes, I was thinking about leaving, but that this was nothing that he didn’t already know because I told him that this would happen if he didn’t change. He then told me that my mind had already been made up from the start so I should just speed the process up and go now. I told him that my mind wasn’t made up, and that I really want him to communicate and to commit to fixing things with me. He said no because it “didn’t matter.” He said that it was already over so there was no reason to talk about anything. I told him that it didn’t have to end like that, we could work together to fix things. Again, he said that there was no point. I was crying because he was so angry, flustered, and closed off. I told him that I loved him and he said that he didn’t think I did and that he wasn’t sure that he loved me any more. He said that he didn’t want to talk about things because everything would always be all his fault, sarcastically stating that I never do anything wrong. I told him that I want him to TELL ME what I do wrong so I can fix it. I want to know if I hurt him or make him feel bad. Again, he was sarcastic and said “Oh no, you never do anything.” Eventually he said that I did hurt him all the time because all I ever do is bitch and complain. He said we never make time together so why be together, there was no point. He said that all I ever do is spend time with the kids, which he admitted that I have to do, and do nothing. He was trying to insinuate that I was boring to him, because he knows that hurts me. He called me “fake wife” and said that he would be better off without me and wouldn’t have to suffer anymore. He kept brining up my frustration about my birthday, and said that he was going to take me out that night to make it up to me but now didn’t want to do that at all. I think he was trying to make me feel bad. I told him that I appreciate the thought to take me out, but what I really needed was for him to communicate and take accountability. I needed for him to say “I fucked up, I know I fucked up and I’m sorry. This is why it happened and it won’t happen again.” If he would have just done that much I would have felt so much better, but the way he had handled it made me feel like I was insignificant to him. I could see in his face that I was getting through a little bit, but he closed off again. He accused me of telling my family all about his issues, but I told him that they were my support system and that they were the people that I went to to help me through things. I wasn’t trying to shit talk him, I was trying to get emotional support for the stress that I was under. He accused me of talking to Lindsay about having an apartment, but I told him that he had heard me wrong and I had really been talking about being able to pay rent for the house we were in now. I then realized that he still didn’t know that I got the job so I told him and he acted really confused. Finally, he said that he was going out and not to expect him back for a long time, maybe ever.

I was so upset. I really thought that we might be over. I was trying to work through it all, trying to process what had happened and come to a place of peace. About an hour later, I get a phone call from Ross. He asked me what I wanted to eat and I told him. A bit later he shows up with food. He still looked a bit flustered but was being nice to me. He congratulated me on my new job and started asking me questions about it. He also apologized for forgetting my birthday. He wasn’t being super lovey dovey, but he did tell me he loved me. I was so confused. I wanted to talk more to work through everything but I was scared that if I brought anything up we would end up fighting again. I thanked him for the food and let it be. He went out to help his friend work on some car thing, and that was the end of that.

The next day, I had resolved to take it easy and to try to recover from all of the emotional gook from the day before. For several days, it seemed that Ross was on some kind of upper. He was sweaty and jittery like he usually is on uppers, and he hadn’t slept in a few days. However, he wasn’t being mean or acting concerning, just a bit jittery. I had asked Brent to get me some of my savings out of his piggy bank in his room. Ross does not know about this piggy bank because I am trying to keep Brent’s money safe as well as my own. I told Brent to close his door and Ross overheard me. When he asked me about it, I did not want to say that it was because I was hiding my savings up there so I told him that I told Brent to shut his door if he was bothered by the noise Ross was making. This made Ross mad and he said “Fuck you, I’m fucking done with you.” From that point on, he was flustered again, blustering around the house doing random things. I had to take Gail to an eye doctors appointment and did not want to leave Brent alone there with Ross in a bad mood so I made him go to the eye doctors appointment with us.

Ross’s mom drove us to the appointment because I was too emotional and stressed to drive. I held myself together but I had a few contained panic attacks on the drive to the eye doctor. I could tell Brent was annoyed that he had to come with is. I just kept apologizing to him. Ross’s mom said she understood why I was so upset, but she seemed like she was some what annoyed by the whole thing which made me feel like an idiot. Maybe I was just being overly perceptive because I was already anxious and upset, I don’t know. When I took Gail into the doctors office, she wanted to run around and play with everything though the office was trying to keep people from touching things due to Covid. I was trying to keep her contained but it ended up just making her lash out. I had tried to dilate her eyes before the appointment with no success. This put her on edge and made her scared for the appointment. She took a while to adjust to everything the doctor was trying to do, and I felt like everyone in the office was judging us. I don’t blame Gail at all for how she acted. She is autistic and being at a new doctors office where people keep trying to do things to your eyes is stressful. I just get pissed off when workers judge parents of autistic children for struggling to keep them contained when autistic kids don’t do well with surprise confinement and tight restrictions. It is just unreasonable. I get it! We are in a pandemic, but the kid is clearly having a tough time so chill the hell out. And God, the other parents who stare and act like I am a shit parent for letting her roll around on the floor and have meltdowns. I can’t fully blame people for not understanding, but then again, there is education out there for free. Also, even if you haven’t educated yourself on autism and special needs children, judgement is NEVER the right response. I just felt like everyone was looking at me and judging me. Again, maybe it was my anxiety, but in this case I don’t think so. Gail ended up getting glasses. According to her doctor, her eyes have gotten a lot worse since I brought her in two years ago and she is now is desperate need of glasses. I got her a free pink pair that was covered by Medicaid, but then I also went into my savings and bought her a purple $255 pair that was designed for kids who are rough with glasses. They were bendable with a secure nose piece and adjustable curved ear pieces to hold them in place.

On the way home, we stopped by and got Ross some dinner because I didn’t prepare anything for dinner. When I saw him again, everything was suddenly fine. I was/am so freaking confused. I know he was probably high that day and the day before, but the way he lashed out so hard just to act like nothing ever happened a few hours was killing me. Part of me wondered if I should just go with the flow and let it end because I knew that the way he has been treating me and himself isn’t right. However, when those moments finally presented themselves, I was compelled by some biological reaction to fix things and smooth things over to end the argument. I don’t know if he said all of the things that he said to try to hurt me or manipulate me or if he was only saying them because he wasn’t in his right mind and was being driven by his emotions, but it hurt. I really felt that he was trying to make me cower by acting so angry and aggressive and using a loud voice that he knows I don’t like. I feel like he was manipulating me by turning thing on me to make me feel like the bad guy for wanting things to be different. He demeaned me by calling me names and telling me that I wouldn’t last at my new job and never did anything. But then he just acted like none of it ever happened. Did he do this because he regretted what he said and didn’t really want me to go, or does he not fully remember the arguments the way that I do? I don’t understand.

After all of the stress from those last two days, I started having the gastric problems that I had last year when my anxiety was at its worst. I woke up out of a dead sleep at 3am with sharp stabbing pains all throughout my abdominal. I went downstairs and chugged some Pepto. I also decided to take some Excedrin for the pain. I heated up my heating pad about four times throughout the night until I was finally able to go back to sleep. However, I still had to get up at 6am to take Gail to school. I ended up getting her to school late. I went home after dropping her off and then joined an online google meet with her education team for her IEP meeting. I don’t really remember anything after that. Memory gaps. I lost almost a whole day.

Yesterday my mom came over and we all went out to celebrate my birthday, Mother’s Day, my new job, and be signing up to finish my degree. We picked up Gail from school and rode over to the Verizon store. I used almost the entire rest of my savings to upgrade my phone. I am on my aunts cell phone plan, so I am giving her $500 in cash for the new phone up front and then giving her the last $700 after I start getting a paycheck. I know it may sound foolish that I spent all of my money on this, but I really don’t regret it. I needed a new phone. I had been using one of those cheap free androids that only has like 16GB of storage. Also, Gail had gotten some water in it which made it hard for me to hear out of the speaker. I think that deserved something nice. I won’t be getting a new phone for years to come, so I need something that will hold me over until that time comes. I decided to go with the Samsung Galaxy S21 Ultra. It has 128GB of storage and the best camera on the market. I ad a lot of feelings about seeing all of my savings go out the window, but I needed this. I have just been taking comfort in that fact that I will be working and making money soon.

After this, we went back to my house and chatted for a bit while I set up my new phone and transferred everything over. My mom, kids, Ross, and I then went for Mexican food. I was really surprised that Ross agreed to come with us. I was even more surprised that he seemed sober and sociable. It was nice getting to have dinner with him, my kids, and my mom. I really think that he felt bad about everything in his own way. I would have appreciated some communication about all that had happened, but just like on my birthday, it seems that his way of saying sorry is to make up for it by doing things for me. Maybe it is a love language thing. I know that his love language was acts of service. However, that was at the bottom of my list right next to gifts. I am so frustrated with it all. I don’t even know what to think or how to handle him. I need therapy lol. However, that day was a good day all in all.

Today has been a true day of recovery for me. I have just been lounging around the house blogging and watching tv. I am starting to feel better today, though I am still confused and I can’t get over the feeling that things got all mixed up. Gail woke up early this morning and threw up twice, but she has no fever. She has been running around the house playing as usual, but she won’t really wat anything. She got sick for a third time while on the toilet right before lunch time, yet she still does not act like she is sick. I took her temperature and it came up normal. However, she just laid down beside me and said that she has a tummy ache. Poor thing. I hope this does not last long.

As for the rest of the weekend, I think that I may do a bit of gardening today and some house cleaning tomorrow. I want to get everything in order for when I start my job in June. I want a clean space where I can work without stress or clutter.

I honestly hope that all of the stress from this week was just a fluke and that things move forward from here. The events from this week really set off my anxiety and triggered a lot of the physical symptoms that come with it. I felt so depressed. I felt like if it wasn’t for my kids, I could really just go to sleep and not wake up. Don’t be alarmed, I would never do anything like that, but I can understand how people come to that place. I’m not trying to be dramatic. I even get frustrated with myself for not being more firm and standing up for myself during arguments. It makes me feel weak, like a coward. I feel stupid for not dealing with all of this differently, but I am trying so hard. I’m doing the best that I can right now. My life will get better one way or another. Maybe nothing has been resolved yet, but it will. Change will come. I will get to a point where I know what to do about all of this and will be strong enough to demand what I need. That’s why I have been doing so much shadow work and self development. I want a better life, with or without him. I know that if I can’t change anything else, I can always change myself. I’m just not there yet, but I will keep working towards the me that I want to be.

Love Always, AnxiouslyM