Shadow Work Session 47: Knight Of Cups Reversed

Warning, I struggled through my work today, also I’m still really sleepy, so if you chose to read this post you may find it a bit aimless and unfocused.

I tend to view myself as a realist. I don’t think that there are many situations that I romanticize or exaggerate to be bigger than they are. However, I wasn’t always this way.

As I have already talked about in previous blog posts, I used to idolize the idea of being married with children living in a nice home. I thought it was the be all end all of life. It was only after I found my way there that I learned that life really doesn’t have a “happy ending.” Until the day we die we are are changing, growing, and learning. Just because we achieve a goal does not mean that the vision for our lives won’t change. Nothing is fixed. Nothing is permanent. We will always find a new dream to chase and something else to want.

Because life has taught me how to view things from a more realistic stand point, I have had to do a lot of digging to figure out how the theme of romanization fits into my life. It has to fit in some where, or else this card wouldn’t have come up.

I think that maybe because I thought that having a traditional family was so important, I have become really hesitant to walk away from that. I would never walk away from my kids, I am talking about the thought of divorce here. Maybe I put up with a lot more than I normally would because that idea of needing a traditional family still lingers some where within me? I still somewhat romanticize the idea of having a romantic partner, and worry what my life would be if I didn’t have that. I worry that I would be unfulfilled without romantic love, and that my life would somehow be less meaningful than the lives of those who DO have someone to love. It is humiliating to admit this. I never imagined myself as someone who needed another person to be happy. However, I think that there is a part of me somewhere deep down that is still struggling with this. I have never found anything more addictive than the feeling of new love. It scares me to think that I might not ever have this again, with Ross or with anyone else. I know that people don’t NEED romantic love to survive, but I feel like it makes life better. I both want to be and never want to be one of those people who don’t care about relationships and are totally fine without anyone else in their life. I admire those people for sure, but I feel like they are my total opposite.

It isn’t a tragedy to be alone. Often times I think that I do romanticize my romantic relationships just for the sake of remaining in them. If I saw them for what they really were, I may have to admit that I would be better off alone…and that is a sad thing for me to admit because there is a part of me that will always want to be in love. Additionally, if I focus on seeing my relationships as they really are, it may make separation and conflict easier to deal with. Maybe it would allow to be more firm without allowing my emotions to mess things up?

I even sometimes romanticize other peoples relationships. When I see couples that get along really well, I like to take it at face value. Even though I know that they have issues just like everyone else, there is a part of me that prefers to believe that they don’t.

I feel that I also tend to focus on the end goal of something rather than keeping my eyes focused on the process. This could tie into the message from the Knight of Cups reversed that is telling me to move from the fantasizing phase into the action phase. Perhaps if I focused on the next step in a process rather than the end goal, I would be able to move towards that end goal in a quicker and more efficient way? I think that I also need to stop trying to make my life fit into society’s image of a good life and instead focus on turning it into MY idea of a good life.

I know that I am afraid of conflict, and I often avoid “messy” situations because I worry the outcome could be really bad…but if life goes on either way, things would have to get better eventually right? If I truly view life as something that goes on and on without reaching any permanent conclusion, then why do I feel that things like ending relationships and initiating uncomfortable situations is so final? When I am experiencing hardship, especially when it has to do with my relationship, if tends to feel very dramatic and extreme to me. I blame my Aries moon haha. Seriously though, I think that more than viewing things as better than they are, I often see things as being worse. This causes me to be more emotionally effected than others would be in the same situation. It also causes me to feel defeated and stuck when I’m not really.

I will have to do some more thinking about this. It seems that it is a lot harder than I thought it would be to see the things that I have chosen to ignore about my life. Perhaps this wasn’t a major message for me this week? I will think on it.

I’m not sure if I am ready to move on from this yet. I think that it may require some meditation. I may spend tomorrow trying to inspect some of my personal situations and relationships as they really are. I know that I did this last month, but I think that I may review it. Maybe there is something that I missed?

These shadow work posts are truly intended for my own self discovery and development, but I thank those of you who took the time to read this. I will be working on my shadow aspects and personal development relating to the Knight of Cups reversed until I feel that it is time for me to move on to something new.

Love Always, AnxiouslyM

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