Today’s work is going to be tough for me, because I am having to take a look at the ways I may be embodying the personality traits of the Page of Cups reversed. I could be wrong, but I really feel like this card as a personality profile isn’t referring to me. It really does not sound much like me at all.
I know that I have a tendency to be a bit selfish like the Page of Cups reversed. I really think that this comes from having to fight for attention so much in my childhood. Aside from my kids, I tend to look out for myself first before trying to take care of other people. I know that this might be surprising, since I also have a tendency to let people walk all over me. I guess I allow people to do this to an extent, but when it comes down to the bottom line I will do what I have to do to protect myself. I admit that like the Page of Cups reversed, I am a bit scared of “real life.” It isn’t that I don’t want to be a real adult who takes care of themselves and pays their own bills, it’s just that I have never had to do that before. When I first got pregnant, I begged Ross for us to go out on our own. However, he is the true embodiment of the Page of Cups reversed and convinced me that it made more sense for us to stay with his mom. Now, years later, I am left still wanting to take care of myself but afraid of what that would mean and what I would have to give up to do that. To truly take care of my family and I on my own I would have to dedicate almost all of my time to work, which I think I am about to be doing soon anyways. Maybe I have appeared to be lazy because I was scared to jump into this new and more mature lifestyle? I am breaking through this and slowly moving past it. I am finally starting to make moves not to make myself more independent.
I don’t see myself as being spoiled or prone to tantrums. However, I do get upset when I don’t get my way. I feel like I have always been this way. I don’t really know where this part of me started to develop. My guess is that it was a slow development that came from a lifetime of not being able to have what I wanted because I was poor. Additionally, I think that the fact that I really don’t ask for much from others could play a huge part here. I never ask anyone for anything, so when I do a part of me feels like they are obligated to follow through for me. I occasionally battle with a deep sense of entitlement that I suspect comes from feeling like I have put out more into the world than the world has given me. However, I do understand that the world owes me nothing even if my instincts tell me otherwise. I recognize this reaction as my shadow though when it comes up and I remain calm as I process though it. It is something that I am actively working on. I don’t really feel like I throw tantrums though. If anything I just get a bit sulky.
As I have said before, I really think that this card is talking about Ross and our incompatibilities. I wanted to first make sure I was holding myself accountable for the ways in which I may embody this type of energy, but after doing this I really don’t think that this card is talking about me. Maybe that is just my ego not wanting to admit that this card is me…but I really don’t think that it is. Ross is definitely the big adult child. He lets his mom do everything for him, including paying bills and making his doctors appointments. He gets so depressed every time he tries to work a “normal” job that he has just stopped trying. He spends any money that he gets on gadgets and drugs instead of saving the money or spending it on niceties. Unlike myself, he IS prone to tantrums. For example, when he asks to borrow money and is told that the person does not have it to give, he will get visibly flustered and agitated. When he asks for something and is told no, he won’t let the issue rest. He will continue to push the issue until the person gives in to him. He does not help much around the house. I wouldn’t say he is lazy, but he spends all of his energy fucking around with his gadgets rather than doing things that actually need to be done. He is really big on double standards. In the past, it has been okay for him to have friends that are girls. However, when I have gotten too close to any guys be would get really upset. He thinks that it is okay for him to just leave the house without telling me where he is going, but if I ever tried that he would call looking for me. Furthermore, he can’t communicate in a healthy way and often avoids dealing with strong emotions and important issues. I think this may be part of the reason he struggles with addiction now. He started repressing things with drugs and now he is so deep that he really can’t see a life without it.
I know that these traits are not in alignment with the mission that I am on in life right now. I’m trying to better myself and my situation. However, it is hard for me to address these incompatibilities between Ross and I because Ross is struggling so hard with his addiction. We can’t really work on us until he fixes himself, and what am I supposed to do in the mean time…leave him?? It feels wrong to abandon him even though I know that I can’t save him. I keep trying. The point came up in my action card that the people close to me may think I have become cold and distant. Could it be that I need to give him more attention instead of refocusing my emotions on something else to keep from being hurt and stressed out by him? I guess that it is worth a try. On that note, I think I am going to take some time today to reach out to my friends and family, giving a bit of attention to those relationships as well.
I think that me and Ross could really make some positive changes in aligning our values, but he has to get sober first. I keep getting the feeling that my cards are trying to point out all of the reasons why we aren’t good together right now. Maybe this is because this is a strong suspicion that I have been having for a while now. However, I can’t help but feeling that I need to try just one more thing before cutting the cord. It’s always one more try. I move slow, and I need to feel certain to feel safe and secure in my choices. This has made figuring out my current situation with Ross very difficult, because there is no certainty.
Another thought that just came to me now is that I never seem to fall for partners who are aligned with my values and life mission. In fact, I typically find myself changing to align myself with my partner. There have been times that I have totally changed my style and all of my interests for a man. Not cool. I need to start working on becoming whole within myself, not becoming someone else’s other half. I know that I have been doing this with Ross too. I mean, we have been together so long, so I more myself than I have been in other relationships. However, I sacrifice a lot of the things I want out of life to be with him. This needs to fixed, because I can’t continue to live my life for anyone else but me. This isn’t me being cold. I can still love and value my partner without giving up who I am for them. I can still find ways to give attention to my partner without neglecting myself.
My outward existence is not a reflection on my inner reality. I need to do some recalibrating. To do this, I think that I need give myself more attention. I need to spend more time reflecting on my life goals and doing my self development work so I can know who I am inside and out. I need to define what I am willing to sacrifice and what I am not. I need to start focusing on being authentic. Before responding to someone or expressing myself, I need to ask myself if what I am about to say/do is a true representation of who I am inside. I need to make sure that I am putting out into the world what I hope to attract. By honoring what is within me, including my emotions and creative expression, I can start to manifest the things that I want on the outside. Maybe I can finally create a life that resembles me.
This reminds me of one of one of my favorite book quotes from the book Eat, Pray, Love.
“I had actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life so why did I feel like none of it resembled me?”
I don’t want to relate to this quote any more. I want my life to be my own, a reflection of me.
Ultimately, I think that I need to put aside that instinctive need to protect myself and let my walls down in my current relationships, including my relationship with Ross. This is the only way that I will be able to give my relationships the emotional warmth and attention that they need. I know deep down that people feel that I am detached…because I am. I still love people, but I exist with one foot out at all times to keep myself from getting destroyed by my relationships. I guess I do repress my feeling in this way because I keep myself on the edge when my heart is telling me to jump all the way in. Maybe I am still hanging on so tight to things that aren’t good for me because deep down I know that I have more to give that I have been holding back. I know that there are some people and situations that don’t deserve my energy. However, I think the only way that I am going to be able to realign my life is by cutting myself loose to freely love, feel, express, and yes…to be hurt.
Tomorrow I am going to some sexual repression that I have been experiencing. I don’t know if this has much to do with the Page of Cups reversed, but I really can’t skip it with The Lovers reversed as my action/integration card. Sex is a form of self expression, so it could very well tie into my shadow aspect/self development card. We will see how it unfolds…
These shadow work/self development posts are truly intended for my own self development and growth, but I thank those of you who took the time to read this. I plan to work with my shadow aspects and self development topics relating to the Page of Cups reversed until I feel that it is time for me to move onto something new.
Love Always, AnxiouslyM