Picking up where I left off yesterday…
Starting again with a TRIGGER WARNING, as I am going to be talking about my sexual experiences and issues.
Yesterday I left off with questioning my sexuality. I mentioned that I had romantic feeling towards my high school best friend, but didn’t identify as bisexual because I had had a few mostly innocent experiences with other women and I wasn’t into it in the same way. I am still trying to figure all of this out in my 30’s. Some of my experiences have caused me to develop an aversion to manual stimulation and receiving oral sex. This makes imagining being with a woman pretty confusing and complicated. However, I do feel attraction to women and nonbinary folks as well as men…so honestly I have no clue what’s going on. I guess it is just easier for me to go around saying I’m straight because even though it isn’t entirely true, it isn’t entirely untrue either. Maybe this is an area of my personality that I need to allow myself explore more?
Clearly I developed the impression that sex was more for men than it was for women. It was a long time before I actually had an orgasm or gave myself permission to experiment with masturbation. Because of the experiences that I went through, I thought it was almost wrong for women to take charge in their sexual relationships and seek their own pleasure. All of this gave me a screwed up idea of what sex was supposed to be like in general, which made it almost impossible for me to explore my sexuality. Furthermore, because of my abandonment issues with my dad, I had a tendency to seek male attention rather than going after partners that I actually wanted. Even in my adult life I found myself pairing up with people that I didn’t like and wasn’t attracted too. I didn’t know why, but now I feel that this was tied to my desire for male attention stemming from my abandonment issues with my father. It is also tied to my people pleasing nature, as I was often afraid to hurt people’s feelings and struggled with breaking up with men even when I didn’t want to be in the relationship.
My current sex life is nonexistent. If you have been reading my blog on a regular basis than you probably know that Ross and I haven’t been sexually active because his drug use has seriously harmed his sex drive. Because he is on drugs and isn’t taking care of himself, I don’t feel as sexually attracted to him as I once did even though I do still love him. As I have mentioned before, I feel the most engaged during sex when I am with a partner who treats me well on a regular basis and who is clearly excited to be having sex with me. For the past few years I have not felt that Ross was interested in me in a sexual way, so naturally I have lost sexual interest in him too. We also struggle to make time for sex, because I have to spend so much of my time with Gail. I even have to co-sleep with her because she will wake up all through the night if I don’t. With all of the sexual disinterest and neglect in my marriage, I was taking care of myself through masturbation and focusing all of my sexual thoughts on my phantom ex. However, now that I am no longer allowing myself to redirect my thoughts and feelings to a nonexistent relationship, I struggle to feel any sexual desire at all. Porn does not do it for me because I am someone who needs some type of emotional attachment to feel aroused. Not to mention, my doctor told me that a side of my anxiety medication is decreased interest in sex. I have definitely been feeling sexually stunted over the past year.
I haven’t hit on all of my sexual experiences and issues, but I think I have hit on enough for me to know that my relationship to sex needs to be seriously adjusted. I think that this is a good place for me to start making some changes. I don’t think that I need to go into everything right now, because I am sure that The Lovers reversed will come up as my actual shadow aspect card when the time is right. I hope that since The Lovers reversed is my action/integration card right now, working on some of these sexual hang ups may help me to clear my emotional and creative blocks. I hope that developing a better relationship with sex will help me to be more authentic in my expression and aligned with my inner self. Some of the major sexual things I want to work on are:
- Seeing sex as an action that should be enjoyable to both parties.
- Giving myself permission to both enjoy sex and take charge of my sexual relationships.
- Realizing that everyone has a right to sexual expression without shame, even me.
- Actually vocalizing and engaging the thoughts and fantasies that I have but have kept hidden.
- Slowly working to overcome my issues with receiving oral sex and manual stimulation.
- Focusing on things and people that make me feel sexual attraction and pleasure rather than focusing on male approval.
- Seeking my own sexual gratification rather than just focusing on my partners gratification.
- Exploring my interest in other genders.
- Safe sexual exploration.
- Initiating sex.
- Maybe trying to get Ross to go to therapy with me to deal with some of our sexual issues in the marriage.
- Addressing my medication side effects if my sexual desire does not return.
- Maybe I need therapy to figure out why I feel physically sick after sex.
- Overcoming my religious conditioning about how women should be regarding sexual expression and sexual relationships.
These shadow work/self development posts are truly intended for my own self discovery and growth, but I think those of you who took the time to read this. I will continue working with my shadow aspects and self development topics relating to the Page of Cups reversed until I feel that it is time for me to move onto something new.
Love Always, AnxiouslyM
Side note: I should probably start spell checking before I post…sheesh haha